When we found out that leaving my damaged heart valve alone will cause me to have an early death. One Year. Maybe two. I asked my husband of 60 + years what his feelings were about me deciding not to pursue surgery. He said he'd need to make a list of what all has to be done to keep the condo running like who to call if the dishwasher goes out. Two days later he took $5,000 out of two different accounts and went to the bank and bought a CD. Good investment, he says, because it will pay 1.6 % in interest. More than the last two he bought for $10,000 and $38,000. a couple of months ago. He does love saving money.
I have no reason to stay on this earth and cope with a heartfelt response like that for another 10 years or less. I have no desire to continue living by the clock like he does and around some distant sport's schedule. I feel confident in what I have done while living on this earth for 79 years. Sixty of them married to that type of thinker. No thanks. I may just take the easy way out from under the responsibility that lays in wait for me.
As of today, 5pm January 9, 2018, I do not want to go through any surgery of any kind. My life will not be better for having the surgery and recovery time will be long and uncomfortable. He is being nice and even encouraging me to take that route. Bringing home compliments from his visitor center friends. Does he look forward to my death?
Tonight I am researching Palliative care and how it works. I see Dr. Lamie tomorrow and will ask him about it. (he said he has never had a patient as healthy as I am refusing to have the valve replaced.)
When I go over it in my head, I love the family I am leaving when I do go. They are all on their own, even the grandchildren/ Good Good people all 15 of them.
I feel great about the others I will be leaving as well. We have had fun relationships; serious conversations; emotional sharing. I was (for some reason) blessed with an ability to love God; The Great I Am; The Universe and Nature. I have led a life of appreciation and for most of my 79 years been so happy. Joyful even.
My parents, without even trying, installed a sense of confidence in me. They taught by the way they lived that one can adapt to any new situation. The transition from bodily death to spiritual life does not cause fear to arise within me. I thank my Mother and Father for the way they raised me.
Dr. Lamie and I had a good laugh yesterday(1/10/18) when he asked me what Dale said when I shared the facts with him...
" Men...are so dumb..." he laughed.
"He was thinking only of himself...that's what men do...me included."
1/28/18 *** I mentioned in another piece which has yet to be posted that with the help of Jesus my mind was made up to having the surgery so that I will be healthy enough for others as they need me in the near future. But, Lord Help Me...I do dread my future 10 years or so. I rather enjoy sitting around and being waited on for a change. When this old heart is patched up and rearing to go on another adventure, it will be me doing all the fetching and stepping, jeuning around fixing food, doing laundry, driving everywhere. I'd much rather be resting. In the arms of Jesus.
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