But here it is: I am getting old.
Not "older," but actually old. I put water on the stove to boil for soup or something and am surprised by a sound coming from the kitchen. Good thing I can still hear. But that is changing as well. Witness the volume control going up up up when it is something I want to listen to well.
This is not the way I envisioned old age to be. I wanted to be a kind old lady. Sweet to everyone every minute of the day. Instead, I ache, somewhere on my body every minute of the day and sometimes night. Twenty-four hours a day is most likely on its way. Woe is me.
I've packed up all my panties and wear throw-away undies now. Have to. Urine leaks out day and night and I cannot pause it or stop it and hold it for later. Cannot be done.
Doing the simplest of chores has become a major event. Putting on my socks. Taking off my socks. Getting into and out of the bath. Washing and drying my hair. Cooking anything takes more effort than I have to give. And yet. Life is good. Could be and likely will be so much worse in the near future.
I don't climb stairs anymore, or go for walks. I have a handicap parking permit and use it often. The thing about all of this is: It seems to have come on suddenly. One day I was a spry 70-year-old and the next, a slow-moving irritable 79-year-old.
I buy tickets to an evening event and then find I cannot see well enough to drive at night, so stay home. This is not me. This is some strange entity living inside what used to be a youthful woman. I find myself looking forward to a daytime nap; my warm recliner; a quiet house. Loud noises and voices make me jump. Vibrant colors make me cringe. Skinny fast-moving people irritate the hell out of me.
Conversations going on in my midst puzzle me. USB ports and bits and bytes are confusing. And television is truly a vast wasteland. The jokes are too loud and vulgar; the music too jumpy; the drama too bloody and there is vomiting going on in the cartoons. Where am I?
I always said that when the world grew too strange for a person it was time for that person to get off the planet. I'm ready for the next page of my personal journal to commence. I just hope it is a smooth ride.
Christmas Day was yesterday. It came. We were content just to let it be. No big surprises. No surprise parties. We've contacted or been contacted by our children and grandchildren, or most of them. We feel fine just knowing they are happy and well. No big problems.
And now, today, January 8, 2018, I have written to the family. all the grandchildren, sons & wives, and sister to tell them about my heart valve problem. I will now continue my blog regarding this illness so the ones who want to read it can.
Monday, November 27, 2017
Thursday, August 3, 2017
Blank Pages
Life is filled with Blank Pages.
We act as if this is natural and pay little attention to what we do and say.
Filling that free day, that blank page with nonsense.
We speak without thinking. More often than we'd like, we spout off in a temper about some trivial thing.
God help us help ourselves.
Why can't we seem to learn? When disaster strikes, we are humane, anxious to help. We are human beings acting out of kindness and love toward one another.
And help we do in so many ways.
But when the urgency of the disaster dies away, we do as well.
We die back into our old complacent selves and we fill the blank page of the day with silliness.
God help us all.
We act as if this is natural and pay little attention to what we do and say.
Filling that free day, that blank page with nonsense.
We speak without thinking. More often than we'd like, we spout off in a temper about some trivial thing.
God help us help ourselves.
Why can't we seem to learn? When disaster strikes, we are humane, anxious to help. We are human beings acting out of kindness and love toward one another.
And help we do in so many ways.
But when the urgency of the disaster dies away, we do as well.
We die back into our old complacent selves and we fill the blank page of the day with silliness.
God help us all.
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Darley's Song
laughing up a storm at what the old folks would think if they could hear us.
Mama is so mean. She don't like nothing I do. Tells me I'm too prissy just because I like things clean and neat and go around behind where she has worked and straighten things up. She'd rather work in the fields with the coloreds than the house. She's best friends with most of 'em. She does like to do the cooking.
Me? No Sir Ree Bob. I wear a bonnet that covers my face and neck and one of Daddy's old long sleeve shirts when I go to the fields. Otherwise, I'll get brown as dirt and ever body will know I'm a farm girl. That's about the worst thing in the world. That is the main reason I quit school when I did. I really loved school, but when it came time for me to go to high school I had to go into town and the town kids teased me so much. You'd think I'd be tough skinned from all the teasing my brothers did but I wasn't able to handle them town kids and their uppity ways. So I went for one day and then quit cold.
Daddy is the best friend I've ever had. He loves me and my ways, I believe because I'm shy like him. He has high hopes for me, protects me from Mama's temper and talks to me in a gentle tone, never demands anything from me, just asks in a sweet voice. He's not like that with the boys. He has to raise his voice to them....all three of 'em Jack and Buddy and John Terry.
Daddy is kind to others too. Pure strangers some of 'em. He's never whipped his boys like most people do and he goes out of his way to help needy people even coloreds. Him being almost in the same class as them. Daddy is so good-hearted he'll even help a no 'count nigger ever so often. His family and Mama's family have never owned their own land, always either sharecropping or tenant farming. It's the only life they've ever known, so when it comes to coloreds they feel more equal than not.
During the war between the states, Mama's grandmother always fed anybody who came to the door hungry, Colored, Yankee or Rebel. They was just hungry people and if she had food she shared it.
I met a orphan boy from Martin and I aim to marry him. He is so handsome, he just melts my heart the way he smiles. We've had to be secret about ourselves in the love department 'cause he is a poor orphan. No body likes him because of that. But I do. I love him.
I'm sixteen now and we are not gonna wait no longer. It'll be fun slipping around as a married couple and with nobody knowing it. His married sister, Naomi and her husband Carlton will carry us over the state line late one February evenin'.
I've gone with a couple a boys, but nobody like W. Nobody. Myrna, my one girlfriend knows about us, but she won't talk. Myrna and me sleep over at Mildred Sherril's ever so often and talk about our love lives. There's nothing like visiting with girlfriends and telling each other our most heartfelt feelings and
Mama is so mean. She don't like nothing I do. Tells me I'm too prissy just because I like things clean and neat and go around behind where she has worked and straighten things up. She'd rather work in the fields with the coloreds than the house. She's best friends with most of 'em. She does like to do the cooking.
Me? No Sir Ree Bob. I wear a bonnet that covers my face and neck and one of Daddy's old long sleeve shirts when I go to the fields. Otherwise, I'll get brown as dirt and ever body will know I'm a farm girl. That's about the worst thing in the world. That is the main reason I quit school when I did. I really loved school, but when it came time for me to go to high school I had to go into town and the town kids teased me so much. You'd think I'd be tough skinned from all the teasing my brothers did but I wasn't able to handle them town kids and their uppity ways. So I went for one day and then quit cold.
Daddy is the best friend I've ever had. He loves me and my ways, I believe because I'm shy like him. He has high hopes for me, protects me from Mama's temper and talks to me in a gentle tone, never demands anything from me, just asks in a sweet voice. He's not like that with the boys. He has to raise his voice to them....all three of 'em Jack and Buddy and John Terry.
Daddy is kind to others too. Pure strangers some of 'em. He's never whipped his boys like most people do and he goes out of his way to help needy people even coloreds. Him being almost in the same class as them. Daddy is so good-hearted he'll even help a no 'count nigger ever so often. His family and Mama's family have never owned their own land, always either sharecropping or tenant farming. It's the only life they've ever known, so when it comes to coloreds they feel more equal than not.
During the war between the states, Mama's grandmother always fed anybody who came to the door hungry, Colored, Yankee or Rebel. They was just hungry people and if she had food she shared it.
I met a orphan boy from Martin and I aim to marry him. He is so handsome, he just melts my heart the way he smiles. We've had to be secret about ourselves in the love department 'cause he is a poor orphan. No body likes him because of that. But I do. I love him.
I'm sixteen now and we are not gonna wait no longer. It'll be fun slipping around as a married couple and with nobody knowing it. His married sister, Naomi and her husband Carlton will carry us over the state line late one February evenin'.
I've gone with a couple a boys, but nobody like W. Nobody. Myrna, my one girlfriend knows about us, but she won't talk. Myrna and me sleep over at Mildred Sherril's ever so often and talk about our love lives. There's nothing like visiting with girlfriends and telling each other our most heartfelt feelings and
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