run through the chickens and watch them scatter, laughing out loud, cackling really with Mama hollering through the window for me to "stop that." She won't do nothin' ...she cain't do nothin'...Sister ain't home to help Mama with the baby. She's done gone over to the shoe factory. There's a boy there named Clarence she's been foolin' 'round with. So, Mama's tied down right now.
head to town when I'm nine years old and get in an old man's car and start it up, then drive all over the main drag 'til somebody stops me. run down to the train station when the bananas come in and pick up the left overs and sell them on the streets for a nickel a bunch. Daddy's in his cafe cooking up a storm, hamburgers and fried onions. Ever body loves his cookin'
the new young'ens just keep on comin' Papa Albert, Mama's Daddy hates my Daddy. says he keeps her pregnant all the time. only he don't say pregnant, he says "with child." 'cause it sounds nicer that way.
He's a pretty mean old man. Always sour about something. couple of his own sons got religion a while back, and he runs 'em off ever time they come around his place talkin' 'bout savin' him. Don't nobody like my Mama's Daddy, don't nobody.
life is fun for me these days....i've got me two brothers and two more sisters to run with and tease. And I'm the smartest one of all of 'em, I do know that much. Mama's a pretty woman, but she's tired as can be. I'm about to turn 12 soon and that's a grown man if you ask me. Grown enough to do just about anything I set my mind to. Ain't been to school since 5th grade and it hasn't hurt me one little bit. I can read good enough and write a pretty hand. Life is grand.
Mama's been sick to her stomach again. She took to her bed and waved ever young'en away from her side. Her twin sister, Aint Beulah went for the doctor, 'cause Daddy wouldn't and she said to H with that. She's the strong one of the two. Mama was so tiny when she was born, they nearly lost her, and she ain't never been what you might call a well person.
That's one reason old Albert hates that she married a man who don't coddle her enough. Albert stood on the sidelines watching while his wife, the mother of the twin girls fought to keep my Mama alive. They placed her in a big coffee pot and kept her on the back of the stove for a spell, just to keep her warm. She made it through that first winter and married Will D. and she's never been happier she says, in all her 36 years.
But, nothin' seems to help Mama this time. The sickness has gotten a strong hold on her and won't let go. Daddy's shooing all the little ones away and he's holdin' onto me like I was his last hope. I think he's acting strange, but I cain't do nothin' about it, so I just stand and watch as the last breath leaves my Mama's chest. She heaves a big sigh and says, "Ohhhh..." and then she is gone. All the life that was in her drained completely away.
We hold a funeral and someone takes a picture of her there in her borrowed casket. Someone makes copies of that picture and gives it to each one of the six of us children. It is the only picture we ever have of our Mama.
A few weeks later, we are all in church together and I am bawling like a baby and feeling ashamed when one of the preacher type men asks me if I want to go where my Mama went. I nodded "yes," and he told me to go up front and get saved and I would see her again. I wiped my eyes and hurried up front where another preacher type held my hand in his and prayed over me. After my savin' was done we went home with Daddy and the house was more quiet than ever and I felt like I had been lied to by that church ...so I vowed I'd never believe another word they ever told me. I thought after they saved me, they'd take me to a back room where they had put my mother and she'd welcome me to her arms. 'Twas never to be.
That was the beginning of the making of WoeBoy who, when he was 4 and 6 and 13 loved to stir up a ruckus and
Monday, December 26, 2016
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
AginFin for (nancy) [James] Joyce
knees on the pillow on the cold hard floor
head bent in prayer,
___sometimes she seems so far gone
___how long for her, how many years?
___ I'm not sure, she was here when I got here.
___and her brother is here also?
Breeze scattering leaves.
desires come...
Unbidden.
Pay attention.
hold back.
no no no this is not right. close your eyes....pray it away
__she has the prettiest complexion
___don't she though?
___ever body always says that....
no stress;
treeless;
treeless landscape...
land scrape;
scraped knees; bitten fingernails; tangled hair;
eyes closed faking sleep;
kiteless sleep; nightless sleep,
still in the moment....stillness speaks
___ dinner?
___ it's ready. y'all go wash them hands and comb yer heads.
___take your seats now, hurry up
__ I don't know. I don't think I can eat
___you can eat when you feel like it, there's no hurry
__ There's still bread. in the oven
get it outa there
dust the color of caramel, thick as talcum powder
___through a glass. Dimly.
___ pour the tea and slice the lemon
__ Darkly I think it says
__ you don't know your Bible
__ dimly? darkly?
___Y'all make too much of it, no wonder you cain't understand it
__ you know your Bible? do you?
___Quieten down now, somebody ask the blessing
___Dude?
Grady commencing to grin
___saw Dewey talkin' to Ethel Brock in town.
didn't I Dewey?
winks at Mammy
___She had on her high heel shoes. Red ones,
didn't she Dewey?
Mammy's hard glance
Billy Joe's sheepish look__ comin' up a storm y'all
Lonnie shakes his head__ naw ain't hot 'nuff
Clayton reaching for a biscuit
__ comin' up a cloud though sure 'nuff comin' up a cloud
Woeboy keeps saying he'll take off his belt Woeboy's always spouting.
Woeboy thrives on fear;
fear of yesterday's predictions;
yesterday's promise;
fear of now
thought he knew ever thang there was to know... didn't know nothin'
Didn't nobody know... even god
J.T. inthenightearlyand mornings not important
somethings didn't nobody know 'cause
Neely always was a quiet child
Mammy at breakfast
__ Dude'll cut the heart out of the ham for Darley
he'd durn near cut his own heart out for her
she being the broken sad-faced one
seemed Mammy was envious of them sometimes
their closeness
Second-floor rooming house two rooms
___Mama, do you really have to do that to have a baby?
her back turned, belly filled with child
head nodding yes, as if shamed
the well shed empty now
what happened to the towsacks?
___last I saw JT took 'em to the pond with him
DJ eyes shining
Duada?
you say this part
___ You got Prince Albert in a can?
okay?
___then I'll tell say ___better turn him loose
Neely squealing
___hurry up hang up the phone
party line
they'll know our voices
boney bodies they was ...inside that sack
squirming baby kittens all different colors
___i was gonna give 'em pretty names...
__ Sweep the dirt yard,
I'm not gonna tell you. again
___Yes M'am
Woeboy's voice hollering
___Concord itus Concord
Lonnie asking
___whir y'all lived when Darley kilt that chicken snake?
Woeboy's voice shouting
__ Stop sittin' like that... Keep yer knees together.
how come he lets it happen?
if he knows ever thang, how come?
he ain't god, that's how come
___Jesus said I will be with you always, even 'til the ends of the earth
Bea's opening the oven bringing up the Bible again
Eunice getting hot
___was you there when He said it?
___it is written thataway...but he wasn't meaning in the flesh,
Holy Ghost way in the spirit he was sayin'
___heathen talk.
___I take Him at his word.
His word's good enough for most of us
Loyce, sounding sweet
___you don't know your Bible neither,
Woeboy's eyes are searching the room looking for a place at the table
a place that won't offend nobody
Neely looking squinty-eyed out the back screendoor
__ The Hoers are comin'.
__You say that again and I'll tan your hide.
Woeboy's face is full of red
ain't no daughter of his gonna talk thataway
Dude nods a stern set of eyes at Woeboy
___Take a seat,
Neely, teary-eyed
___ whut? say whut...
he'll take off his belt...but he won't do nothin' with it.
For her the very heart
Marcella's daddy withoutsaying a word,
old man Ozro, Cora Lee's husband
one room apartment
DJ in the middle being the smallest
Neely on the floor
Ozro what kind of a name is that?
OzroBottom
deepdowninsideshame.
Pray it away.
Spero's Grill
soup ten cents a bucket
wait your turn
not enough for ever body
extra milk and crackers in class
theyankeekids snickering
___but why?
we wasn't hungry
___ don't bother to cry. missy! He cain't hear.
__ Shut up!
you no 'count
__If He's God, He can.
__but Sugar He won't listen
not to you
in the well shed pale dust flipped from half-soled sandals.
the crunch of a gravel memory in her ear,
the crunch of gravel under the weight of the two buckets of water gripped by Sunshine and trudged a mile
___lord I wish it'd rain...
___come on Neely hep me ring this pullet's neck?
___ ma'am? please ma'am no
___I've got the far going under the warsh kettle, you can hep douse 'er come on now. hold the chicken's head tight and press your thumb into her neck real hard, then start ringing her neck. like this.
when she pops off, let her flop against that fence row so the blood don't splatter all over creation. when she stops floppin' then pick 'er up and hold her by the feet and douse 'er in that boiling water.
___Now then, I'll hold 'er up for you and you put them little ole hands of yours into them hot wet feathers and give a tug. see? it's easy as can be.
___here let me show you again
___now lets take 'em to the back porch and start cutting.
___take the gizzard like this here and scrape all the gravel out, with the dull side of your knife. toss it in the icecoldwater with the other pieces Careful...sharp knife, don't touch it you're not big enough for that knife grab the leg and thigh grasp it hard and cut along the top to split it
toss it in with the neck and breast.
don't ever cut that breast in two pieces til you've cut out that pulley bone.
Mammy winks at Neely
___I know somebody who'll make a fuss if there's no pulley bone
for her and DJ to make a wish own
Neely watching closely, her nose barely resting on the table
sniffing at the oilcloth,
___yes ma'am
Breeze. pretty name Breeze, daughter of Wind. Mother called Sunshine.
Neely longed for a name like that
wouldn't no ugly stuff happen to a girl named Breeze...
Cora Lee turned her back and kept washing dishes
Ozro's finger moves inside Neely's panties not important enough for her to notice not important enough for nobody to even mention
Mother called Sunshine.
the Ho'ers are comin' in from the field
I'll tan your hide
___what else should I call 'em?
___Field Hands Honey, that's what they are
___they're not Ho'ers?
___that's not a very nice word Neely
___what's wrong with it?
___it's a nasty word.
___Ant Erlene said itus from the Bible.
___it means a woman who likes to play ugly
___doing what?
___you don't need to know that.
but, i...
holding Sunshine's hand tight,
dried out grassy ground around the gravestones
scraping itchy sandaled feet
bees buzzing all around everwheres
__See that little ceee ment lamb?
__your baby sister Willow's buried under there.
__ git her outta there
there ain't no lights inside a grave,
she cain't breathe in there
can she
thow her on the ashes like Mammy does the dead chicks
___if she cries cain't nobody hear her
can they
Sunshine left, at that;
went behind a cloud
Sunshine purely up and left
drifted away
carrying her sad face with her
Hollis smiling,
___cornbread looks, good Mama
saw Ruby Coats in town.
___pass me them peas
got herself a boyfriend.
Grady looking shocked,
___you don't say? well I'll be dogged
Pappy changing the subject,
____ one good soaking rain and we'll have us a real good crop of butter beans
Okra stewed. gravy fixed. tomatoes sliced
oilcloth wiped clean; slick and shining covered all over in blue diamond shapes
The way it always was:
family's glasses, plates, knives, forks, spoons washed first
in the fresh hot sudsy water
then you could put the colored's plates and silverware in for soaking
(don't ever mix the colored's and the white's dishes or clothes neither. It jest ain't right, never was and never will be. I ain't got nothin' against 'em. It jest ain't right that's all. I mean would you buy a car or a pair of shoes a colored person had owned? Would you? Just think about it, you know you would not.)
cold greasy dirty dishpan water emptied into the slop bucket for the hogs
tomatoes and onions stewed with the okrey
crowders Kentucky wonders fatback tucked into the greens
Mammy's voice
___Neely?
___come carry the colored's plates, outback to their table did you sweep that dirt yard like I told you?
Darley didn't even stop to fumigate that shack where you was borned, did you know that? and coloreds had lived in it for over a year, but Darley didn't care nothin' 'bout that. She was so anxious for her own home
wet your fingers with some spit, then pinch a page of the Bible and turn it to read the verse
Why'd they do that? make the Bible pages the same soft tissue paper as the ones inside the searsroebuckcatalogue we use for toilet paper? why on earth would they make the Bible pages thataway?
flimsy see-through tissue paper pages barely able to hold onto the Word of God.
Mammy's voice irritated,
__put them peas down Grady,
bow your heads and somebody
ask the blessing
___Thank you Father (Buddy's voice rising) for these vittles we are about to receive and use them for the nourishment of our bodies.___A man. Aaa man. and amen
and the misery stays alive in your mind
__here honey
__thow this baby chicken in the farplace
__no no no ha
__it's dead. honey. thow it away
'fore the flies take over
Mammy's satisfiedvoice
___now
here's the pulley bone
___ Neely? here Honey,
don't you wont it?
Wont me to give it to DJ?
I want Willow babe outta there
___Amen; Amun;
__ did he really die of snakebite?
___hand me the biscuits Lonny.
__ sure 'nuff did. Fell down on him from atop the door jamb.
__ Mr. Stubblefield went to Coats' schoolhouse, like ever body else.
__snakes don't care who they bite
___I know, but it jest don't seem right...it being him who got bit like that. lookit the times he's fought 'em off his land and then him safe and sound in his own home...don't seem right
___Pass me them greens
___reckon itus a punishment from God, like so many thangs is
__ bit him on the far'ed...dead afore he hit the groun'
___God wouldn't do that to him
Mr. Stubblefield never harmed a soul in his life!
___You cain't always tell what's in a man's heart
thow 'em on the ashes all the dead baby chicks...
__heard Joe Wren's comin' to git some tools this evenin'
J.T.'s fork spearing hard at the fried chicken platter makes a clinking sound___was this a Banty?
___drivin' that sputtering T. of his
britches in a crease puttin' on the dog, if you ast me
___ don't nobody put a crease in overhauls
___ reckon you do.... if you're courtin'
__ reckon what kinda snake? copperhead maybe.
__ ugly as homemade sin. that boy
__ Ruby likes him
__ but that don't make him no prettier
__ got them beady little eyes...hehe gives Neely the shivers don't he Neely?
J.T. winks at Neely
Mammy answering J.T. and pushing in Billy Joe's chair for him
__no sir... it wassent no Banty itus two pullets
___Neely hepped me scald it.
she scorched the pin feathers didn'tchew honey?
Neely looks up nods
looks down again
seemedlikeaweeklater shopping for a wedding dress on the streets of Detroit choosing curtains towels bedspreads
brick it was with marble windasills
talk 'bout "puttin' on the dog"
all new with plastered walls and hardwood floors
not an oilcloth in sight
___ been awful hot here lately
in the dream atop the roofed porch; floating off into the dark night filled with cool air;
by the window where J.T. sleeps;
where the black racer was;
where the hams are kept
__black or blue, racers never hurt nobody
jumping off and flying.
over and over and over
silent and smoothe and free
smothering...
soaring
smoothe and free
soaring around in the dark silent night stars;
smoothing waves of air to fix a path
smothering the words through tears
smothering chickens; kittens; and me?
___ no no no not meee!
___Neely! why'er you yellin'?
was that me?
eyes shut; pretending. closed off from the world
fingers smoothing delicate wrinkled skin
folds opened,
passions rising
opened eager
and willow burns and her smoke strangles ever one of us
'til we cain't breathe right;
cain't think straight;
cain't do nothin' to help...
___they say if a baby dies before it is baptized....
___shut up
opined
openedwounds
and the puppy.
not important; not important; not important!
flying from the roof of the porch into the cool dark knight- airie wind
and Wind was strong and Sun was warm
__stop that. put your legs together. sit up straight. I'll take my belt off to you....
__I didn't do nothin' daddy....I didn't....
__playing ugly
__ jest playin' ...please dadaddee
Mosquitos big as frogs buzzing in your ear
Softly And Tenderly Jesus is calling...
calling for you and.... for me
Jesus knows.
what ugly is; who ugly is; why ugly is
myugliness....
He knows what's drawing shame to me,
out of me,
He knows why shame is on me
like flies on a dead chick
Jesus knows it all, but He don't do nothin' about it.
Don't nobody do nothin' about it
___it was called The Projects,
it wasn't no address number
I remember they had cement floors
and little rubber things out back in the trash.
things that daddies use to pee inside of mommies.
___ever body's got to be saved.
go on...go on up there....Lord is waiting on you...
He knows ever hair on yore head
God? waiting on me?
waiting up there for me?
___Oakridge
___you talk about hot...Lord a Mercy
so hot Woeboy's glasses melted right off his face.
worked in some mighty tight places
___pass me that bowl a corn, Sugar.
the only thing that could help Darley would be to have another baby.
another Willow babe.
but it didn't help nothin' she cried ever night,
cried into her pillow. over something.
__who fried this corn ?
___Darley did, ain't it good?
___fried the okree too
__ cain't nobody hold a candle to 'er
Sunshine wearing her sad face:
if he'd jest once ast me if i wanted a hamburger...
a rose picked from the yard... Little Darlin' given to her on her death bed the scent of it dying with her
Just once; that's all
and Sunshine was no more
Neely's kneeling knees shifting on the pillows on the cold hard floor
head bowed.
bowed and hanging low....but no tears...on wrinkled cheeks
old tears dried out and gone old fears fading too
Pappy Dude's voice....soft in her ear..__sweet chaarriott...commin' fore to carry me home...barely a whisper Pappy's on the white porch swing carved by Woeboy
before his glasses melted.
Thirty-year-old Leon Cantrell wanted a date. Neely's hair pulled back in a pony tail, blue ribbon twisting in the wind
__ Don't you ever tell yor daddy that.
he'll beat the tar outta him.
and you barely thirteen
Neely snickers covers her mouth.
___I know,
one eye and rotten teeth
___not that. Bea talkin' disgust in her voice
___dumbpoorwhitetrash
Loyce, below her breath,
___no 'count Cantrells
Leon cain't even make change fer a dollar
Woeboy sees to that, teaching him wrong
and mixing up his head like he does
pack the car....drive while it's cool....all night long. six hundred miles
sleep on top of the boxes with the ceiling an inch away from your face...sweating on top of the quilts...
pull over...i'm sick again...
__she threw up all the way there; says it makes her sick
just thinkin' 'bout them trips;
kept him happy though singing in the night air
strong Wind back then feeling the thrill of new places
Sunshine just barely hanging on
Breeze unable to breathe atall
Bloody sheets one after another, some with clots and some as if a river had overflowed...Sunshine crying and trying to help her daughter;
I'm sorry Neely she says, bring me another one,
tell Woeboy I need a doctor,
Woeboys not home?
go get somebody honey.... keep own stuffing dry sheets between my legs
her face draining
paler and paler
Everything Quiet now, Sunshine resting
a neighbor knocks and Neely says....miscarriage....
___Don't say that word out loud! I oughta whip you good for saying that....Woeboy's face is all torn up again.
and Neely's head is throbbing
her own period comes the following week;
she screams for her mother;
grabs for a dry bath towel...
did he cut the heart out? yes, he did, for her.
fried okra....and stewed potatoes.
the stewer bent on one side....just the same...
fried in sizzling hot lard in the old cast iron.
was it Mammy's?
__all she had left after Dude died.
she tried fixin' teacakes in the warped muffin pan, that had been his mother's...seemed important
__Where've you been?
Uncle D's trailer. stripped naked... poker cards at the ready.
the grown-ups are comin' hide. like Adam & Eve in the garden.
put you on some clothes; ...no socks or shoes;
answer the door. DJ's in his underwear.
__git him in the closet__hurry up unlock the door
Depthford Place
shrimp boiled...piled high in the middle....Aunt Kath's white teeth...like the bowl of rice....pretty like her, me? not me. someday you will be...what a pretty complexion
we're goin' swimmin'...no suit? wear this one....bagging in the seat...no breast yet....never pretty like that__sure you will be Honey.
Prince Albert can emptied ...holding treasures now....rocks shaped like animals;
pulley-bones gnawed clean, intact, hidden away before they could be wished on and split in two
coldslickchicken shit.... between toes,
sweatypantiesclinging ....
puppy's little tongue lapping;
dig a hole and bury everything.
in the ditch where the tiger lilies grow
bury bury bury
night sky full of stars...lightening bugs.
keep your eyes closed....pretend..keep your mouth shut young lady....pull your skirt down that don't look right....don't sit like that.
___did you set the table like I told you?
Neely nods
__The Hoe'rs will be in from the field soon...
__carry them vittles to the table...
wait your turn.
___Did we fix enough tea? git the jar of green onions.
pepper vinegar for the greens
__hand me that clean tea towel
menfolks eat at the first table
Neely looks up
___yessum i know
___I'd like to be a Hoer someday
did anybody ever bite into that wax fruit thinkin' itus real?
__ what's she mumbling about?
__ she wants to be a whore.
__ No, she don't.
__ never ever say that in front of your daddy...don't you ever
__ Rooster. Pullet. Hen. now...what'd i say this was?
....Head bumper; eyewinker; tom tinker; nose dropper; mouth eater; chin chopper; gulley, gulley, gulley
living in town being quiet all the time racing DJ home from school at midday; upstairs at Miseres CBell's place.
___I beat Duada again!
the watery-thin smell of boiling white beans;
not ready, but we ate the salty bacon grease soup anyway
with the crunch of fresh cornbread.
wasn't nothin' else
___I know where you keep your sugar....
under your chin;
behind your navel;
underneath your arms on your
ribs....gully gully gully
hush little baby don't say a word, daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird if that mockingbird don't sing daddy's gonna buy you a diamond ring.....if that diamond ring is brass daddy's gonna buy you a looking glass, if that looking glass gets broke, daddy's gonna buy you a billy goat, if that billy goat don't pull, daddy's gonna buy you cart and bull, if that cart and bull turn over, daddy's gonna buy you a dog named rover, if that dog named rover won't bark, daddy's gonna buy you a horse and cart, and if that horse and cart fall down, you'll still be the prettiest little baby in town.
bye baby bunting, daddy's gone a-hunting to fetch a little rabbit skin to put his baby bunting in....
rock abye baby in the treetop when the wind blows, the cradle will rock, when the bough breaks
__glasses melted right off his face.
covering ships with asbestos.
no, not at OakRidge.
Summerville.
Depthford Place they called it.
a baby born in ever state, she said.
__Lord, you don't mean that, listen to yoursef.
ever one of 'em snickered and some laughed out loud
that shut 'er up.
shut that Darley's face right up.
made her brain freeze up tight
she'd just as soon die as go on living
them all snickering at her like that
the cradle will fall, and down will come baby...cradle and all
didn't say another word for days on end weeks maybe
Sunshine went behind a big cloud then, she did
__she cain't breathe in there
it's dead. stiff as a board. throw it away
__take the baby to the house; first words.
pig and biscuit.... more words....write 'em all down.
Miseres Cantrell did.
one-eyed Leon's mama.
wait your turn. you'll get the pulley bone...
he'd cut the heart out of the ham for her...
coffee poured into Pappy's saucer then blown on; sipped.
hard chunk of butter on the plate with sorghum poured over it.
For his daughter, he'd cut the heart out of his best ham. feeling guilty in his own heart for not showing her enough love, enough attention; so she loved the orphan boy. full of woe sadness creeping scatteringseedsofwoe
Leon's mother. kilt her ownsef; wrote out why in the edges of her bible, but cain't nobody read it.
__kilt hersef dead and nobody can figure why
Darley broke her daddy's heart. ran off and got married and didn't tell nobody.
ran off with Woeboy on a cold winter's night
__cain't somebody eat the rest of them crowders?
__hand me the bowl;
y'all wanna cut a melon tonight?
fried corn, fried cabbage, fried chicken; fried ham
sweet milk and cornbread late at night
hot pepper vinegar sprinkled on a cold biscuit
__Ruby said she'd marry if he ast her
__you cain't hoe, you'll chop more than cotton little as you are
__ could i jest try?
___ six years old is too young
___you're liable to chop off a foot
___PappyDude'll learn me
fared sweat... dust from the road... muddy face
__take this jug a water to the field.
__watch where you're steppin' case he plows up a snake
__cottonmouths down by the pond where the snake doctors are
___and the baby kittens?
___stop laughin' at 'er she don't know no better
night as dark as pitch
use the slop jar. it's raining
sooty hands from the lamp chimneys
don't touch that dipper with your hands
icy cold water running down the front of her dress
'cause she's drinking like a baby chicken
___stop that
__Landsakes she must be thirty if she's a day
___Earlene pass me that butter
__Twenty-five she told me
___woman that age ain't got much choice
___did y'all fix any gravy?
__ over there by Junior, Junior, pass that gravy down here...
___reckon where would they live?
___I reckon over at his place ... he's been fixin' things up since his mama passed
__anymore dark meat on that platter by you?
__there's a thigh
__put another spoonful of potatoes on my plate would you, please
__that's the last of the biscuits ya'll 'til mornin'
He never hit her or nothin'
___ didn't care that much.
__would you say he just wore her down?
___Yes, that's what it was. Broke her in early and then...
___ She had such little desires and even they were never met. I don't know why. She was sweet enough to him.
__we only get out of life what we demand
___I reckon.
___But she wadden a demanding type.
___ She had to be her own sef
____Babies. they knock the breath right out of you, especially them that dies . Lordy Mercy, itus a hard row to hoe.
___ain't nothing sweet for y'all today but them strawberries
___that's alright Mama
___she always eat like that?
___you mean arms around her plate?
___yes
___she's keeping a portion of it for D.J.
___her brother that died?
___she has always watched out for D.J.
so just in case he's here and he's hungry, she holds back some food for him.
The nurses help MissNeely up from her seat
MissNeely's eyes are still glazed over
she is listening...as the voices fade
One nurse pats MissNeely's arm.
The three of them shuffle out of the dining room and down the sleek tiled floor
the whisper of cotton foot slippers the only sound.
___do i have the same name?
One nurse smiles then opens the door to room 7A
She guides Neely inside
___am i am i ?....fading?
__ you will be alright now
MissNeely nods... and when she hears the click of the doorlock she places her
head bent in prayer,
___sometimes she seems so far gone
___how long for her, how many years?
___ I'm not sure, she was here when I got here.
___and her brother is here also?
Breeze scattering leaves.
desires come...
Unbidden.
Pay attention.
hold back.
no no no this is not right. close your eyes....pray it away
__she has the prettiest complexion
___don't she though?
___ever body always says that....
no stress;
treeless;
treeless landscape...
land scrape;
scraped knees; bitten fingernails; tangled hair;
eyes closed faking sleep;
kiteless sleep; nightless sleep,
still in the moment....stillness speaks
___ dinner?
___ it's ready. y'all go wash them hands and comb yer heads.
___take your seats now, hurry up
__ I don't know. I don't think I can eat
___you can eat when you feel like it, there's no hurry
__ There's still bread. in the oven
get it outa there
dust the color of caramel, thick as talcum powder
___through a glass. Dimly.
___ pour the tea and slice the lemon
__ Darkly I think it says
__ you don't know your Bible
__ dimly? darkly?
___Y'all make too much of it, no wonder you cain't understand it
__ you know your Bible? do you?
___Quieten down now, somebody ask the blessing
___Dude?
Grady commencing to grin
___saw Dewey talkin' to Ethel Brock in town.
didn't I Dewey?
winks at Mammy
___She had on her high heel shoes. Red ones,
didn't she Dewey?
Mammy's hard glance
Billy Joe's sheepish look__ comin' up a storm y'all
Lonnie shakes his head__ naw ain't hot 'nuff
Clayton reaching for a biscuit
__ comin' up a cloud though sure 'nuff comin' up a cloud
Woeboy keeps saying he'll take off his belt Woeboy's always spouting.
Woeboy thrives on fear;
fear of yesterday's predictions;
yesterday's promise;
fear of now
thought he knew ever thang there was to know... didn't know nothin'
Didn't nobody know... even god
J.T. inthenightearlyand mornings not important
somethings didn't nobody know 'cause
Neely always was a quiet child
Mammy at breakfast
__ Dude'll cut the heart out of the ham for Darley
he'd durn near cut his own heart out for her
she being the broken sad-faced one
seemed Mammy was envious of them sometimes
their closeness
Second-floor rooming house two rooms
___Mama, do you really have to do that to have a baby?
her back turned, belly filled with child
head nodding yes, as if shamed
the well shed empty now
what happened to the towsacks?
___last I saw JT took 'em to the pond with him
DJ eyes shining
Duada?
you say this part
___ You got Prince Albert in a can?
okay?
___then I'll tell say ___better turn him loose
Neely squealing
___hurry up hang up the phone
party line
they'll know our voices
boney bodies they was ...inside that sack
squirming baby kittens all different colors
___i was gonna give 'em pretty names...
__ Sweep the dirt yard,
I'm not gonna tell you. again
___Yes M'am
Woeboy's voice hollering
___Concord itus Concord
Lonnie asking
___whir y'all lived when Darley kilt that chicken snake?
Woeboy's voice shouting
__ Stop sittin' like that... Keep yer knees together.
how come he lets it happen?
if he knows ever thang, how come?
he ain't god, that's how come
___Jesus said I will be with you always, even 'til the ends of the earth
Bea's opening the oven bringing up the Bible again
Eunice getting hot
___was you there when He said it?
___it is written thataway...but he wasn't meaning in the flesh,
Holy Ghost way in the spirit he was sayin'
___heathen talk.
___I take Him at his word.
His word's good enough for most of us
Loyce, sounding sweet
___you don't know your Bible neither,
Woeboy's eyes are searching the room looking for a place at the table
a place that won't offend nobody
Neely looking squinty-eyed out the back screendoor
__ The Hoers are comin'.
__You say that again and I'll tan your hide.
Woeboy's face is full of red
ain't no daughter of his gonna talk thataway
Dude nods a stern set of eyes at Woeboy
___Take a seat,
Neely, teary-eyed
___ whut? say whut...
he'll take off his belt...but he won't do nothin' with it.
For her the very heart
Marcella's daddy withoutsaying a word,
old man Ozro, Cora Lee's husband
one room apartment
DJ in the middle being the smallest
Neely on the floor
Ozro what kind of a name is that?
OzroBottom
deepdowninsideshame.
Pray it away.
Spero's Grill
soup ten cents a bucket
wait your turn
not enough for ever body
extra milk and crackers in class
theyankeekids snickering
___but why?
we wasn't hungry
___ don't bother to cry. missy! He cain't hear.
__ Shut up!
you no 'count
__If He's God, He can.
__but Sugar He won't listen
not to you
in the well shed pale dust flipped from half-soled sandals.
the crunch of a gravel memory in her ear,
the crunch of gravel under the weight of the two buckets of water gripped by Sunshine and trudged a mile
___lord I wish it'd rain...
___come on Neely hep me ring this pullet's neck?
___ ma'am? please ma'am no
___I've got the far going under the warsh kettle, you can hep douse 'er come on now. hold the chicken's head tight and press your thumb into her neck real hard, then start ringing her neck. like this.
when she pops off, let her flop against that fence row so the blood don't splatter all over creation. when she stops floppin' then pick 'er up and hold her by the feet and douse 'er in that boiling water.
___Now then, I'll hold 'er up for you and you put them little ole hands of yours into them hot wet feathers and give a tug. see? it's easy as can be.
___here let me show you again
___now lets take 'em to the back porch and start cutting.
___take the gizzard like this here and scrape all the gravel out, with the dull side of your knife. toss it in the icecoldwater with the other pieces Careful...sharp knife, don't touch it you're not big enough for that knife grab the leg and thigh grasp it hard and cut along the top to split it
toss it in with the neck and breast.
don't ever cut that breast in two pieces til you've cut out that pulley bone.
Mammy winks at Neely
___I know somebody who'll make a fuss if there's no pulley bone
for her and DJ to make a wish own
Neely watching closely, her nose barely resting on the table
sniffing at the oilcloth,
___yes ma'am
Breeze. pretty name Breeze, daughter of Wind. Mother called Sunshine.
Neely longed for a name like that
wouldn't no ugly stuff happen to a girl named Breeze...
Cora Lee turned her back and kept washing dishes
Ozro's finger moves inside Neely's panties not important enough for her to notice not important enough for nobody to even mention
Mother called Sunshine.
the Ho'ers are comin' in from the field
I'll tan your hide
___what else should I call 'em?
___Field Hands Honey, that's what they are
___they're not Ho'ers?
___that's not a very nice word Neely
___what's wrong with it?
___it's a nasty word.
___Ant Erlene said itus from the Bible.
___it means a woman who likes to play ugly
___doing what?
___you don't need to know that.
but, i...
holding Sunshine's hand tight,
dried out grassy ground around the gravestones
scraping itchy sandaled feet
bees buzzing all around everwheres
__See that little ceee ment lamb?
__your baby sister Willow's buried under there.
__ git her outta there
there ain't no lights inside a grave,
she cain't breathe in there
can she
thow her on the ashes like Mammy does the dead chicks
___if she cries cain't nobody hear her
can they
Sunshine left, at that;
went behind a cloud
Sunshine purely up and left
drifted away
carrying her sad face with her
Hollis smiling,
___cornbread looks, good Mama
saw Ruby Coats in town.
___pass me them peas
got herself a boyfriend.
Grady looking shocked,
___you don't say? well I'll be dogged
Pappy changing the subject,
____ one good soaking rain and we'll have us a real good crop of butter beans
Okra stewed. gravy fixed. tomatoes sliced
oilcloth wiped clean; slick and shining covered all over in blue diamond shapes
The way it always was:
family's glasses, plates, knives, forks, spoons washed first
in the fresh hot sudsy water
then you could put the colored's plates and silverware in for soaking
(don't ever mix the colored's and the white's dishes or clothes neither. It jest ain't right, never was and never will be. I ain't got nothin' against 'em. It jest ain't right that's all. I mean would you buy a car or a pair of shoes a colored person had owned? Would you? Just think about it, you know you would not.)
cold greasy dirty dishpan water emptied into the slop bucket for the hogs
tomatoes and onions stewed with the okrey
crowders Kentucky wonders fatback tucked into the greens
Mammy's voice
___Neely?
___come carry the colored's plates, outback to their table did you sweep that dirt yard like I told you?
Darley didn't even stop to fumigate that shack where you was borned, did you know that? and coloreds had lived in it for over a year, but Darley didn't care nothin' 'bout that. She was so anxious for her own home
wet your fingers with some spit, then pinch a page of the Bible and turn it to read the verse
Why'd they do that? make the Bible pages the same soft tissue paper as the ones inside the searsroebuckcatalogue we use for toilet paper? why on earth would they make the Bible pages thataway?
flimsy see-through tissue paper pages barely able to hold onto the Word of God.
Mammy's voice irritated,
__put them peas down Grady,
bow your heads and somebody
ask the blessing
___Thank you Father (Buddy's voice rising) for these vittles we are about to receive and use them for the nourishment of our bodies.___A man. Aaa man. and amen
and the misery stays alive in your mind
__here honey
__thow this baby chicken in the farplace
__no no no ha
__it's dead. honey. thow it away
'fore the flies take over
Mammy's satisfiedvoice
___now
here's the pulley bone
___ Neely? here Honey,
don't you wont it?
Wont me to give it to DJ?
I want Willow babe outta there
___Amen; Amun;
__ did he really die of snakebite?
___hand me the biscuits Lonny.
__ sure 'nuff did. Fell down on him from atop the door jamb.
__ Mr. Stubblefield went to Coats' schoolhouse, like ever body else.
__snakes don't care who they bite
___I know, but it jest don't seem right...it being him who got bit like that. lookit the times he's fought 'em off his land and then him safe and sound in his own home...don't seem right
___Pass me them greens
___reckon itus a punishment from God, like so many thangs is
__ bit him on the far'ed...dead afore he hit the groun'
___God wouldn't do that to him
Mr. Stubblefield never harmed a soul in his life!
___You cain't always tell what's in a man's heart
thow 'em on the ashes all the dead baby chicks...
__heard Joe Wren's comin' to git some tools this evenin'
J.T.'s fork spearing hard at the fried chicken platter makes a clinking sound___was this a Banty?
___drivin' that sputtering T. of his
britches in a crease puttin' on the dog, if you ast me
___ don't nobody put a crease in overhauls
___ reckon you do.... if you're courtin'
__ reckon what kinda snake? copperhead maybe.
__ ugly as homemade sin. that boy
__ Ruby likes him
__ but that don't make him no prettier
__ got them beady little eyes...hehe gives Neely the shivers don't he Neely?
J.T. winks at Neely
Mammy answering J.T. and pushing in Billy Joe's chair for him
__no sir... it wassent no Banty itus two pullets
___Neely hepped me scald it.
she scorched the pin feathers didn'tchew honey?
Neely looks up nods
looks down again
seemedlikeaweeklater shopping for a wedding dress on the streets of Detroit choosing curtains towels bedspreads
brick it was with marble windasills
talk 'bout "puttin' on the dog"
all new with plastered walls and hardwood floors
not an oilcloth in sight
___ been awful hot here lately
in the dream atop the roofed porch; floating off into the dark night filled with cool air;
by the window where J.T. sleeps;
where the black racer was;
where the hams are kept
__black or blue, racers never hurt nobody
jumping off and flying.
over and over and over
silent and smoothe and free
smothering...
soaring
smoothe and free
soaring around in the dark silent night stars;
smoothing waves of air to fix a path
smothering the words through tears
smothering chickens; kittens; and me?
___ no no no not meee!
___Neely! why'er you yellin'?
was that me?
eyes shut; pretending. closed off from the world
fingers smoothing delicate wrinkled skin
folds opened,
passions rising
opened eager
and willow burns and her smoke strangles ever one of us
'til we cain't breathe right;
cain't think straight;
cain't do nothin' to help...
___they say if a baby dies before it is baptized....
___shut up
opined
openedwounds
and the puppy.
not important; not important; not important!
flying from the roof of the porch into the cool dark knight- airie wind
and Wind was strong and Sun was warm
__stop that. put your legs together. sit up straight. I'll take my belt off to you....
__I didn't do nothin' daddy....I didn't....
__playing ugly
__ jest playin' ...please dadaddee
Mosquitos big as frogs buzzing in your ear
Softly And Tenderly Jesus is calling...
calling for you and.... for me
Jesus knows.
what ugly is; who ugly is; why ugly is
myugliness....
He knows what's drawing shame to me,
out of me,
He knows why shame is on me
like flies on a dead chick
Jesus knows it all, but He don't do nothin' about it.
Don't nobody do nothin' about it
___it was called The Projects,
it wasn't no address number
I remember they had cement floors
and little rubber things out back in the trash.
things that daddies use to pee inside of mommies.
___ever body's got to be saved.
go on...go on up there....Lord is waiting on you...
He knows ever hair on yore head
God? waiting on me?
waiting up there for me?
___Oakridge
___you talk about hot...Lord a Mercy
so hot Woeboy's glasses melted right off his face.
worked in some mighty tight places
___pass me that bowl a corn, Sugar.
the only thing that could help Darley would be to have another baby.
another Willow babe.
but it didn't help nothin' she cried ever night,
cried into her pillow. over something.
__who fried this corn ?
___Darley did, ain't it good?
___fried the okree too
__ cain't nobody hold a candle to 'er
Sunshine wearing her sad face:
if he'd jest once ast me if i wanted a hamburger...
a rose picked from the yard... Little Darlin' given to her on her death bed the scent of it dying with her
Just once; that's all
and Sunshine was no more
Neely's kneeling knees shifting on the pillows on the cold hard floor
head bowed.
bowed and hanging low....but no tears...on wrinkled cheeks
old tears dried out and gone old fears fading too
Pappy Dude's voice....soft in her ear..__sweet chaarriott...commin' fore to carry me home...barely a whisper Pappy's on the white porch swing carved by Woeboy
before his glasses melted.
Thirty-year-old Leon Cantrell wanted a date. Neely's hair pulled back in a pony tail, blue ribbon twisting in the wind
__ Don't you ever tell yor daddy that.
he'll beat the tar outta him.
and you barely thirteen
Neely snickers covers her mouth.
___I know,
one eye and rotten teeth
___not that. Bea talkin' disgust in her voice
___dumbpoorwhitetrash
Loyce, below her breath,
___no 'count Cantrells
Leon cain't even make change fer a dollar
Woeboy sees to that, teaching him wrong
and mixing up his head like he does
pack the car....drive while it's cool....all night long. six hundred miles
sleep on top of the boxes with the ceiling an inch away from your face...sweating on top of the quilts...
pull over...i'm sick again...
__she threw up all the way there; says it makes her sick
just thinkin' 'bout them trips;
kept him happy though singing in the night air
strong Wind back then feeling the thrill of new places
Sunshine just barely hanging on
Breeze unable to breathe atall
Bloody sheets one after another, some with clots and some as if a river had overflowed...Sunshine crying and trying to help her daughter;
I'm sorry Neely she says, bring me another one,
tell Woeboy I need a doctor,
Woeboys not home?
go get somebody honey.... keep own stuffing dry sheets between my legs
her face draining
paler and paler
Everything Quiet now, Sunshine resting
a neighbor knocks and Neely says....miscarriage....
___Don't say that word out loud! I oughta whip you good for saying that....Woeboy's face is all torn up again.
and Neely's head is throbbing
her own period comes the following week;
she screams for her mother;
grabs for a dry bath towel...
did he cut the heart out? yes, he did, for her.
fried okra....and stewed potatoes.
the stewer bent on one side....just the same...
fried in sizzling hot lard in the old cast iron.
was it Mammy's?
__all she had left after Dude died.
she tried fixin' teacakes in the warped muffin pan, that had been his mother's...seemed important
__Where've you been?
Uncle D's trailer. stripped naked... poker cards at the ready.
the grown-ups are comin' hide. like Adam & Eve in the garden.
put you on some clothes; ...no socks or shoes;
answer the door. DJ's in his underwear.
__git him in the closet__hurry up unlock the door
Depthford Place
shrimp boiled...piled high in the middle....Aunt Kath's white teeth...like the bowl of rice....pretty like her, me? not me. someday you will be...what a pretty complexion
we're goin' swimmin'...no suit? wear this one....bagging in the seat...no breast yet....never pretty like that__sure you will be Honey.
Prince Albert can emptied ...holding treasures now....rocks shaped like animals;
pulley-bones gnawed clean, intact, hidden away before they could be wished on and split in two
coldslickchicken shit.... between toes,
sweatypantiesclinging ....
puppy's little tongue lapping;
dig a hole and bury everything.
in the ditch where the tiger lilies grow
bury bury bury
night sky full of stars...lightening bugs.
keep your eyes closed....pretend..keep your mouth shut young lady....pull your skirt down that don't look right....don't sit like that.
___did you set the table like I told you?
Neely nods
__The Hoe'rs will be in from the field soon...
__carry them vittles to the table...
wait your turn.
___Did we fix enough tea? git the jar of green onions.
pepper vinegar for the greens
__hand me that clean tea towel
menfolks eat at the first table
Neely looks up
___yessum i know
___I'd like to be a Hoer someday
did anybody ever bite into that wax fruit thinkin' itus real?
__ what's she mumbling about?
__ she wants to be a whore.
__ No, she don't.
__ never ever say that in front of your daddy...don't you ever
__ Rooster. Pullet. Hen. now...what'd i say this was?
....Head bumper; eyewinker; tom tinker; nose dropper; mouth eater; chin chopper; gulley, gulley, gulley
living in town being quiet all the time racing DJ home from school at midday; upstairs at Miseres CBell's place.
___I beat Duada again!
the watery-thin smell of boiling white beans;
not ready, but we ate the salty bacon grease soup anyway
with the crunch of fresh cornbread.
wasn't nothin' else
___I know where you keep your sugar....
under your chin;
behind your navel;
underneath your arms on your
ribs....gully gully gully
hush little baby don't say a word, daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird if that mockingbird don't sing daddy's gonna buy you a diamond ring.....if that diamond ring is brass daddy's gonna buy you a looking glass, if that looking glass gets broke, daddy's gonna buy you a billy goat, if that billy goat don't pull, daddy's gonna buy you cart and bull, if that cart and bull turn over, daddy's gonna buy you a dog named rover, if that dog named rover won't bark, daddy's gonna buy you a horse and cart, and if that horse and cart fall down, you'll still be the prettiest little baby in town.
bye baby bunting, daddy's gone a-hunting to fetch a little rabbit skin to put his baby bunting in....
rock abye baby in the treetop when the wind blows, the cradle will rock, when the bough breaks
__glasses melted right off his face.
covering ships with asbestos.
no, not at OakRidge.
Summerville.
Depthford Place they called it.
a baby born in ever state, she said.
__Lord, you don't mean that, listen to yoursef.
ever one of 'em snickered and some laughed out loud
that shut 'er up.
shut that Darley's face right up.
made her brain freeze up tight
she'd just as soon die as go on living
them all snickering at her like that
the cradle will fall, and down will come baby...cradle and all
didn't say another word for days on end weeks maybe
Sunshine went behind a big cloud then, she did
__she cain't breathe in there
it's dead. stiff as a board. throw it away
__take the baby to the house; first words.
pig and biscuit.... more words....write 'em all down.
Miseres Cantrell did.
one-eyed Leon's mama.
wait your turn. you'll get the pulley bone...
he'd cut the heart out of the ham for her...
coffee poured into Pappy's saucer then blown on; sipped.
hard chunk of butter on the plate with sorghum poured over it.
For his daughter, he'd cut the heart out of his best ham. feeling guilty in his own heart for not showing her enough love, enough attention; so she loved the orphan boy. full of woe sadness creeping scatteringseedsofwoe
Leon's mother. kilt her ownsef; wrote out why in the edges of her bible, but cain't nobody read it.
__kilt hersef dead and nobody can figure why
Darley broke her daddy's heart. ran off and got married and didn't tell nobody.
ran off with Woeboy on a cold winter's night
__cain't somebody eat the rest of them crowders?
__hand me the bowl;
y'all wanna cut a melon tonight?
fried corn, fried cabbage, fried chicken; fried ham
sweet milk and cornbread late at night
hot pepper vinegar sprinkled on a cold biscuit
__Ruby said she'd marry if he ast her
__you cain't hoe, you'll chop more than cotton little as you are
__ could i jest try?
___ six years old is too young
___you're liable to chop off a foot
___PappyDude'll learn me
fared sweat... dust from the road... muddy face
__take this jug a water to the field.
__watch where you're steppin' case he plows up a snake
__cottonmouths down by the pond where the snake doctors are
___and the baby kittens?
___stop laughin' at 'er she don't know no better
night as dark as pitch
use the slop jar. it's raining
sooty hands from the lamp chimneys
don't touch that dipper with your hands
icy cold water running down the front of her dress
'cause she's drinking like a baby chicken
___stop that
__Landsakes she must be thirty if she's a day
___Earlene pass me that butter
__Twenty-five she told me
___woman that age ain't got much choice
___did y'all fix any gravy?
__ over there by Junior, Junior, pass that gravy down here...
___reckon where would they live?
___I reckon over at his place ... he's been fixin' things up since his mama passed
__anymore dark meat on that platter by you?
__there's a thigh
__put another spoonful of potatoes on my plate would you, please
__that's the last of the biscuits ya'll 'til mornin'
He never hit her or nothin'
___ didn't care that much.
__would you say he just wore her down?
___Yes, that's what it was. Broke her in early and then...
___ She had such little desires and even they were never met. I don't know why. She was sweet enough to him.
__we only get out of life what we demand
___I reckon.
___But she wadden a demanding type.
___ She had to be her own sef
____Babies. they knock the breath right out of you, especially them that dies . Lordy Mercy, itus a hard row to hoe.
___ain't nothing sweet for y'all today but them strawberries
___that's alright Mama
___she always eat like that?
___you mean arms around her plate?
___yes
___she's keeping a portion of it for D.J.
___her brother that died?
___she has always watched out for D.J.
so just in case he's here and he's hungry, she holds back some food for him.
The nurses help MissNeely up from her seat
MissNeely's eyes are still glazed over
she is listening...as the voices fade
One nurse pats MissNeely's arm.
The three of them shuffle out of the dining room and down the sleek tiled floor
the whisper of cotton foot slippers the only sound.
___do i have the same name?
One nurse smiles then opens the door to room 7A
She guides Neely inside
___am i am i ?....fading?
__ you will be alright now
MissNeely nods... and when she hears the click of the doorlock she places her
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Sigh
So, the party ended. Everyone had a great time. They all left and went to their homes. Arrived safely and started enjoying the rest of their summer.
We haven't taken time to actually rest yet, even though it has been a week since it all ended. We've been slowly trying to put things back in place. Take the extra leaf out of the dining table; fold up the junior table; unclothe the dessert table; freeze leftover pork; milk; cookies.
We draw each other's names every year and this year my present came from Steve, the oldest son. He gave me, among other nice things, a cd called: Pickin' on Zepplin. Led Zepplin is his favorite group and since I have been entranced by bluegrass for the past few years (because of Billy Strings) he decided this cd would make a great gift for Mom. Well, he is correct.
I've been driving around listening to it in my car. Driving up the peninsula and stopping at the art gallery inside Old Mission Tavern. and yes, having lunch there as well. Going for a pedicure after my workout at the gym and ignoring the computer world.
Vegging out in front of the tv for the Republican National Convention and trying to find something in Donald Trump to tell me he's the one to vote for.....no luck in that regard. What a mess we are having in politics. I hate to see the Clintons back in the WhiteHouse because I know they are both untrustworthy, but I am going to vote for her. I have to do whatever I can to keep Donald out and if I am forced to vote for someone I do not want to vote for, then so be it. Lesser of two evils.
We haven't taken time to actually rest yet, even though it has been a week since it all ended. We've been slowly trying to put things back in place. Take the extra leaf out of the dining table; fold up the junior table; unclothe the dessert table; freeze leftover pork; milk; cookies.
We draw each other's names every year and this year my present came from Steve, the oldest son. He gave me, among other nice things, a cd called: Pickin' on Zepplin. Led Zepplin is his favorite group and since I have been entranced by bluegrass for the past few years (because of Billy Strings) he decided this cd would make a great gift for Mom. Well, he is correct.
I've been driving around listening to it in my car. Driving up the peninsula and stopping at the art gallery inside Old Mission Tavern. and yes, having lunch there as well. Going for a pedicure after my workout at the gym and ignoring the computer world.
Vegging out in front of the tv for the Republican National Convention and trying to find something in Donald Trump to tell me he's the one to vote for.....no luck in that regard. What a mess we are having in politics. I hate to see the Clintons back in the WhiteHouse because I know they are both untrustworthy, but I am going to vote for her. I have to do whatever I can to keep Donald out and if I am forced to vote for someone I do not want to vote for, then so be it. Lesser of two evils.
Friday, July 15, 2016
Christmas In July
Because of the Winter roads, we decided to have our family gather for Christmas In July. Last year, 2015 was the first. This year we will all be together on July 16, 2016. Jocelyn is 3 now. She is, of course, the delight of the family.
I hope they can all make it. Sometimes they can't. Everyone is older now and you know, have their own lives to live. Some go to Mexico to help in orphanages, some go to Nepal. Most work as teachers so they have the summers off.
The television music station plays Christmas in July music, which I make sure is on and playing for them when they arrive. Last year we had some decorations up and a small tree. This year less, but still some. Last year I worked for weeks fixing favorite dishes and freezing them only to be disappointed when the day arrived, so am not doing that again. Matt, who teaches here now, has promised to help me with the cooking. I am not doing much, really I'm not. He plans to help fix pepperoni rolls....traditions are hard to break...it seems.
July of 2017 we took everyone to MiCafe and each ordered what sounded good. It was easier on me. Back in the condo opening presents and having fun just talking and laughing together was wonderful. I am just so happy they all still enjoy each other's company enough to want to do that.
Dale took over all the planning and we started with Pizza in the Park on Friday eve. It was cold and windy, but we cut the watermelon and smiled, consumed most of the pizzas and hurried back to the house. Jocelyn is 4 now and I think her favorite present was a dress Summer....costume really...brought back from Mexico, or maybe it was Nepal. Brianna couldn't be with us again. She was off to Peru for an 18-month job. Chelsey joined us for the first time. She and Matt are engaged and planning a September 2018 wedding. Growing Family for sure!
I hope they can all make it. Sometimes they can't. Everyone is older now and you know, have their own lives to live. Some go to Mexico to help in orphanages, some go to Nepal. Most work as teachers so they have the summers off.
The television music station plays Christmas in July music, which I make sure is on and playing for them when they arrive. Last year we had some decorations up and a small tree. This year less, but still some. Last year I worked for weeks fixing favorite dishes and freezing them only to be disappointed when the day arrived, so am not doing that again. Matt, who teaches here now, has promised to help me with the cooking. I am not doing much, really I'm not. He plans to help fix pepperoni rolls....traditions are hard to break...it seems.
July of 2017 we took everyone to MiCafe and each ordered what sounded good. It was easier on me. Back in the condo opening presents and having fun just talking and laughing together was wonderful. I am just so happy they all still enjoy each other's company enough to want to do that.
Dale took over all the planning and we started with Pizza in the Park on Friday eve. It was cold and windy, but we cut the watermelon and smiled, consumed most of the pizzas and hurried back to the house. Jocelyn is 4 now and I think her favorite present was a dress Summer....costume really...brought back from Mexico, or maybe it was Nepal. Brianna couldn't be with us again. She was off to Peru for an 18-month job. Chelsey joined us for the first time. She and Matt are engaged and planning a September 2018 wedding. Growing Family for sure!
Friday, February 26, 2016
Answering Bryan Berghoff's questions 2/26/16
3. The wisdom of a tree is that it is there and it is quiet and powerful with an inner strength. It also bends and sways in a storm, and when it finally does break and fall, it continues to nurture.
4. I hear Wisdom call when I take time to listen. When silence surrounds me.
5. There is no audible sound as we know it when Wisdom calls, it is simply a yearning, a longing to learn more.
6. What she is calling me to do is listen and think, learn and live.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Sad faced woman
She did that often. Sat in a daze, her heart and mind numbed. Numbed by people who went about their business as if things were normal.
Nothing was normal, now. She knew this. Beyond a doubt, and never would be again.
The three-year-old daughter felt dizzy as if her world had become unbalanced, though she couldn't express this to anyone. Even when the new baby boy came a year later, it did not help. He cried too much, and the daydreaming woman who held him to her breast did nothing to comfort him. No sweet murmurings, or gentle singing. The sadness, streaming from her eyes, was to become a part of all of their lives.
The husband watched, sympathy creeping into his eyes. He was helpless. And he felt the loneliness that was to become the defining factor of his marriage.
Nothing could shake this woman's mourning. The doctor had said the best thing for her would be for her to have another baby as soon as possible, and the husband had seen that she became pregnant, though there had been no thrill in the doing of it.
In the days before the baby died, he found her body responding to his touch in spontaneous and uncontrollable ways, that made him feel like an expert lover. He missed that side of her more than he could say, and often ached for those nights, dreaming of her sighs and her muffled screams. Now, when they made love, all he heard were a few small moans and her attempt at controlling her tears.
She was fearful of allowing herself to be happy again. Fearful of the bad news that was bound to come. Her jaw locked. Her teeth clenched. She drifted away from him, and his lovemaking. She wanted to drift away from her own self too but then did not want to, no not ever drift away. She had to feel some pain for what had occurred.
Why had she not seen the signs? Was it the frenzy of Christmas, and the unbridled joy she felt about her life? Her perfect little life? That was probably it. God felt her pride swelling, and pride was one thing He would not allow....it was God's judgment of her happiness that had caused the baby girl to die.
Sometimes, as the adult I am today, I wonder: Did I, as that three-year-old, absorb my mother's grief? Was I always trying to help cheer her up? Is this why I become so infuriated with anyone who is not able to choose joy? I am supposed to be loving and kind toward others, all others, and yet, seeing and hearing others complain about their lives makes me lose my temper.
You know, after Mama died, my sister said she became angry when she'd see mothers and daughters arguing. She said she just wanted to shout at them. "Wake up fools, stop yelling. Look at how lucky you are! "
It never feels quite like a blessing when we are in the throws of an argument with a loved one. But to one who has lost a parent, it feels as if you've been cut off from everything, even your own identity. As if, like a dead and crumpled leaf, you've become unhinged from your source, abruptly let go to float into a gully of sorrow.
I was 29 and had a husband and three sons, and I felt completely lost. As if my view of the world no longer mattered. As if I myself had somehow drifted into a fog bank. How could I be, anything to anyone, without my anchor?
My sister was 18 and is still, at age 65, suffering from the loss far more than I am. She says she was not aware of the fact that Mama was going to die. Makes us all try to imagine how Daddy felt when at age 12 his 36-year-old mother died and then the following year when he was 13, his 42-year-old father. How lost and completely broken did those 6 children feel? How deep did those wounds go?
And the sad-faced woman, whose 4-month-old baby's, (ten pounds at birth) life had been sucked out of her, how did she feel? We can not imagine.
Christmas morning laughter, a new doll in the arms of the three-year-old. The babe with a little rattle in her chest, growing worse in the night and then panic and that long trip to the hospital only to leave hours later empty handed? How did that feel? Walking back into the apartment and hugging the three-year-old to their chests? How completely overwhelmed they must have been. Was there screaming? Most likely not. They were not the screaming type. Was God admonished? Most likely, but quietly, most certainly. The mother said later, when the three-year-old was grown, that she had been shocked out of her morose demeanor after a lucid dream about losing her husband. She awoke from that vivid nightmare drenched in sweat and praising God for his mercy. And she began to smile again, for the first time in months.
Sad-faced people crawl away from the rest of us because we are too loud, too cheerful, too innocently happy, and complaining about things that do not matter. When you see a sad-faced person, stop your smiling and move on. They don't want your sympathy or your help. They are content to stay sad, some for a lifetime.
On the lips of the sad-faced woman when she herself was dying, were words of "just hoping to live long enough" to see her youngest daughter "settled." Which meant married and not so much "on the loose." Also, I am told, when her husband died ten years later, he mentioned the same daughter, wishing he could have seen his only granddaughter before he died. But he was too far away, of his own choosing, and it was much too late by then. He was dying when he left, and he chose to go to be with his siblings.
There was a bond between those six siblings that none of the rest of us could ever dream of duplicating, so in the end, he chose to die near them rather than near us.
Nothing was normal, now. She knew this. Beyond a doubt, and never would be again.
The three-year-old daughter felt dizzy as if her world had become unbalanced, though she couldn't express this to anyone. Even when the new baby boy came a year later, it did not help. He cried too much, and the daydreaming woman who held him to her breast did nothing to comfort him. No sweet murmurings, or gentle singing. The sadness, streaming from her eyes, was to become a part of all of their lives.
The husband watched, sympathy creeping into his eyes. He was helpless. And he felt the loneliness that was to become the defining factor of his marriage.
Nothing could shake this woman's mourning. The doctor had said the best thing for her would be for her to have another baby as soon as possible, and the husband had seen that she became pregnant, though there had been no thrill in the doing of it.
In the days before the baby died, he found her body responding to his touch in spontaneous and uncontrollable ways, that made him feel like an expert lover. He missed that side of her more than he could say, and often ached for those nights, dreaming of her sighs and her muffled screams. Now, when they made love, all he heard were a few small moans and her attempt at controlling her tears.
She was fearful of allowing herself to be happy again. Fearful of the bad news that was bound to come. Her jaw locked. Her teeth clenched. She drifted away from him, and his lovemaking. She wanted to drift away from her own self too but then did not want to, no not ever drift away. She had to feel some pain for what had occurred.
Why had she not seen the signs? Was it the frenzy of Christmas, and the unbridled joy she felt about her life? Her perfect little life? That was probably it. God felt her pride swelling, and pride was one thing He would not allow....it was God's judgment of her happiness that had caused the baby girl to die.
Sometimes, as the adult I am today, I wonder: Did I, as that three-year-old, absorb my mother's grief? Was I always trying to help cheer her up? Is this why I become so infuriated with anyone who is not able to choose joy? I am supposed to be loving and kind toward others, all others, and yet, seeing and hearing others complain about their lives makes me lose my temper.
You know, after Mama died, my sister said she became angry when she'd see mothers and daughters arguing. She said she just wanted to shout at them. "Wake up fools, stop yelling. Look at how lucky you are! "
It never feels quite like a blessing when we are in the throws of an argument with a loved one. But to one who has lost a parent, it feels as if you've been cut off from everything, even your own identity. As if, like a dead and crumpled leaf, you've become unhinged from your source, abruptly let go to float into a gully of sorrow.
I was 29 and had a husband and three sons, and I felt completely lost. As if my view of the world no longer mattered. As if I myself had somehow drifted into a fog bank. How could I be, anything to anyone, without my anchor?
My sister was 18 and is still, at age 65, suffering from the loss far more than I am. She says she was not aware of the fact that Mama was going to die. Makes us all try to imagine how Daddy felt when at age 12 his 36-year-old mother died and then the following year when he was 13, his 42-year-old father. How lost and completely broken did those 6 children feel? How deep did those wounds go?
And the sad-faced woman, whose 4-month-old baby's, (ten pounds at birth) life had been sucked out of her, how did she feel? We can not imagine.
Christmas morning laughter, a new doll in the arms of the three-year-old. The babe with a little rattle in her chest, growing worse in the night and then panic and that long trip to the hospital only to leave hours later empty handed? How did that feel? Walking back into the apartment and hugging the three-year-old to their chests? How completely overwhelmed they must have been. Was there screaming? Most likely not. They were not the screaming type. Was God admonished? Most likely, but quietly, most certainly. The mother said later, when the three-year-old was grown, that she had been shocked out of her morose demeanor after a lucid dream about losing her husband. She awoke from that vivid nightmare drenched in sweat and praising God for his mercy. And she began to smile again, for the first time in months.
Sad-faced people crawl away from the rest of us because we are too loud, too cheerful, too innocently happy, and complaining about things that do not matter. When you see a sad-faced person, stop your smiling and move on. They don't want your sympathy or your help. They are content to stay sad, some for a lifetime.
On the lips of the sad-faced woman when she herself was dying, were words of "just hoping to live long enough" to see her youngest daughter "settled." Which meant married and not so much "on the loose." Also, I am told, when her husband died ten years later, he mentioned the same daughter, wishing he could have seen his only granddaughter before he died. But he was too far away, of his own choosing, and it was much too late by then. He was dying when he left, and he chose to go to be with his siblings.
There was a bond between those six siblings that none of the rest of us could ever dream of duplicating, so in the end, he chose to die near them rather than near us.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Racism June 17, 2015 church killing of 9 black people by a white boy of 21
More than one-ism is alive and well and will be for some time to come. Will any of it ever end? It is doubtful in my mind.
Age-ism; Sex-ism; Race-ism; Ethnic-ism;
Geograph-ism. More I am sure.
Geograph-ism. More I am sure.
If we could get rid of our competitive-ism, it might help. Our “better than thou,” attitude.
Somehow, we have to humble ourselves long enough to see that we all hurt and we all feel, we all love and we all hate. No one is perfect….not one of us….no not one.
God help us, as we go forward.
one bathroom
We learn to adjust to any and all material things, and as long as we can keep our eyes on the blessings in life, those adjustments don’t hurt one bit.
I raised 3 boys in a house with one bathroom. They shared one bedroom also. We also had one television. We refused to buy them bedroom televisions (even when we could afford to do so) because we wanted the family to view the same programs together.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
The Message December 2015 & January 2016
There are no more children. Our little ones. Everyone is a grown-up now.
Not exactly true. The children are simply adults. We do have a 2-year-old great-granddaughter in Middletown Ohio. Jocelyn Rae. She asked to go see Santa this year. The past two years, she didn't care for the old man in the white beard. It takes a while.
There is also, no snow this winter. No white Christmas this year.
We have had a couple of light dustings, and the latest one, the other day stayed around. And, since we had our tree up and some other Christmas decorations, we felt fine.
The lichen on the sides of the trees glows brightly on these rainy overcast days.
Rainy and overcast are what we have....hardly any sunshine until late afternoon. Temperatures in the 40s.....Good for people who do not like snow, but not so good for people like me who look forward to winter and all the glorious snow it usually brings.
Grammarly corrects my word usage. So I change bright to brightly. And "rainy and overcast" to "are" instead of "is.
We are healthy, all of us. Thank God for that.
***
Now we have our snow. January 4, 2016, everything everywhere covered and still, it falls. Big lacy flakes sometimes floating on a breeze, and little pebble flakes sprinkling down like Kosher salt. Then the wind blows in and the snow switches back to lace. I am happy about it, as are most people. I took Scout out for a walk this morning since he and I didn't see each other over the Holidays. He is the sweetest companion. I walk so much slower than he wants me to, but he doesn't rush ahead. Instead, this precious mutt slows his pace to match mine and watches my face, when a car drives by. The sun shines softly between the trees and lights up the witchy looking icicles on the eaves. Winter is here. 17 degrees for a high today.
January 5 and a little bit warmer.....19, I think. Scout and I took another walk this morning. I don't recognize myself these days. My walking is so slow and labored. What on earth will it be when I am 90? If I am ever going to be 90.
Today we are waiting on word about a college-aged granddaughter's surgery on her knee. Nicolette plays soccer and injured it badly once before. It is nearly 5 pm and we haven't heard a word yet. She went into surgery at 10 am. I suspect things are not going well.
January 10.....actually things are going well for Nicolette. She is in pain but handling it well. Dad and Mom at her beck and call. She goes back to college in another week and should be able to handle herself (with the help of friends) adequately.
No more worries about winter not showing up this year. It is here! Winter storm warning in effect from Saturday evening til Sunday evening. It is beautiful here in the woods, and we have a young buck who shows up every now and then on the ridge outback. We enjoy watching the animals and birds on a daily basis. Cardinals especially show up against all that white. **************
It is March 14 now and we've had so many warm days and warm rains that nearly all of our snow is gone. Early Spring for us this year. Seemed like such a short winter to me. I was hoping for more snow, but I guess most were not.
We have Matt over every Sunday now that he lives here. He honestly adores teaching...hates the weekends because he cannot teach! He will look forward to those two days off once he has his own family, I think. But for now, he really wishes he could just continue teaching all weekend long.
We got such a kick out of watching JoJo in a video Chris posted on Facebook. She is climbing a gentle rock wall and doing it well and talking the whole time. "This is what little girls do," she says.....So sweet to hear her voice. They will be here for the 16th of July Family Gathering as will all the others. It's on my mind already....what to fix...how many can I seat; sleep etc.
Not exactly true. The children are simply adults. We do have a 2-year-old great-granddaughter in Middletown Ohio. Jocelyn Rae. She asked to go see Santa this year. The past two years, she didn't care for the old man in the white beard. It takes a while.
There is also, no snow this winter. No white Christmas this year.
We have had a couple of light dustings, and the latest one, the other day stayed around. And, since we had our tree up and some other Christmas decorations, we felt fine.
The lichen on the sides of the trees glows brightly on these rainy overcast days.
Rainy and overcast are what we have....hardly any sunshine until late afternoon. Temperatures in the 40s.....Good for people who do not like snow, but not so good for people like me who look forward to winter and all the glorious snow it usually brings.
Grammarly corrects my word usage. So I change bright to brightly. And "rainy and overcast" to "are" instead of "is.
We are healthy, all of us. Thank God for that.
***
Now we have our snow. January 4, 2016, everything everywhere covered and still, it falls. Big lacy flakes sometimes floating on a breeze, and little pebble flakes sprinkling down like Kosher salt. Then the wind blows in and the snow switches back to lace. I am happy about it, as are most people. I took Scout out for a walk this morning since he and I didn't see each other over the Holidays. He is the sweetest companion. I walk so much slower than he wants me to, but he doesn't rush ahead. Instead, this precious mutt slows his pace to match mine and watches my face, when a car drives by. The sun shines softly between the trees and lights up the witchy looking icicles on the eaves. Winter is here. 17 degrees for a high today.
January 5 and a little bit warmer.....19, I think. Scout and I took another walk this morning. I don't recognize myself these days. My walking is so slow and labored. What on earth will it be when I am 90? If I am ever going to be 90.
Today we are waiting on word about a college-aged granddaughter's surgery on her knee. Nicolette plays soccer and injured it badly once before. It is nearly 5 pm and we haven't heard a word yet. She went into surgery at 10 am. I suspect things are not going well.
January 10.....actually things are going well for Nicolette. She is in pain but handling it well. Dad and Mom at her beck and call. She goes back to college in another week and should be able to handle herself (with the help of friends) adequately.
No more worries about winter not showing up this year. It is here! Winter storm warning in effect from Saturday evening til Sunday evening. It is beautiful here in the woods, and we have a young buck who shows up every now and then on the ridge outback. We enjoy watching the animals and birds on a daily basis. Cardinals especially show up against all that white. **************
It is March 14 now and we've had so many warm days and warm rains that nearly all of our snow is gone. Early Spring for us this year. Seemed like such a short winter to me. I was hoping for more snow, but I guess most were not.
We have Matt over every Sunday now that he lives here. He honestly adores teaching...hates the weekends because he cannot teach! He will look forward to those two days off once he has his own family, I think. But for now, he really wishes he could just continue teaching all weekend long.
We got such a kick out of watching JoJo in a video Chris posted on Facebook. She is climbing a gentle rock wall and doing it well and talking the whole time. "This is what little girls do," she says.....So sweet to hear her voice. They will be here for the 16th of July Family Gathering as will all the others. It's on my mind already....what to fix...how many can I seat; sleep etc.
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