She did that often. Sat in a daze, her heart and mind numbed. Numbed by people who went about their business as if things were normal.
Nothing was normal, now. She knew this. Beyond a doubt, and never would be again.
The three-year-old daughter felt dizzy as if her world had become unbalanced, though she couldn't express this to anyone. Even when the new baby boy came a year later, it did not help. He cried too much, and the daydreaming woman who held him to her breast did nothing to comfort him. No sweet murmurings, or gentle singing. The sadness, streaming from her eyes, was to become a part of all of their lives.
The husband watched, sympathy creeping into his eyes. He was helpless. And he felt the loneliness that was to become the defining factor of his marriage.
Nothing could shake this woman's mourning. The doctor had said the best thing for her would be for her to have another baby as soon as possible, and the husband had seen that she became pregnant, though there had been no thrill in the doing of it.
In the days before the baby died, he found her body responding to his touch in spontaneous and uncontrollable ways, that made him feel like an expert lover. He missed that side of her more than he could say, and often ached for those nights, dreaming of her sighs and her muffled screams. Now, when they made love, all he heard were a few small moans and her attempt at controlling her tears.
She was fearful of allowing herself to be happy again. Fearful of the bad news that was bound to come. Her jaw locked. Her teeth clenched. She drifted away from him, and his lovemaking. She wanted to drift away from her own self too but then did not want to, no not ever drift away. She had to feel some pain for what had occurred.
Why had she not seen the signs? Was it the frenzy of Christmas, and the unbridled joy she felt about her life? Her perfect little life? That was probably it. God felt her pride swelling, and pride was one thing He would not allow....it was God's judgment of her happiness that had caused the baby girl to die.
Sometimes, as the adult I am today, I wonder: Did I, as that three-year-old, absorb my mother's grief? Was I always trying to help cheer her up? Is this why I become so infuriated with anyone who is not able to choose joy? I am supposed to be loving and kind toward others, all others, and yet, seeing and hearing others complain about their lives makes me lose my temper.
You know, after Mama died, my sister said she became angry when she'd see mothers and daughters arguing. She said she just wanted to shout at them. "Wake up fools, stop yelling. Look at how lucky you are! "
It never feels quite like a blessing when we are in the throws of an argument with a loved one. But to one who has lost a parent, it feels as if you've been cut off from everything, even your own identity. As if, like a dead and crumpled leaf, you've become unhinged from your source, abruptly let go to float into a gully of sorrow.
I was 29 and had a husband and three sons, and I felt completely lost. As if my view of the world no longer mattered. As if I myself had somehow drifted into a fog bank. How could I be, anything to anyone, without my anchor?
My sister was 18 and is still, at age 65, suffering from the loss far more than I am. She says she was not aware of the fact that Mama was going to die. Makes us all try to imagine how Daddy felt when at age 12 his 36-year-old mother died and then the following year when he was 13, his 42-year-old father. How lost and completely broken did those 6 children feel? How deep did those wounds go?
And the sad-faced woman, whose 4-month-old baby's, (ten pounds at birth) life had been sucked out of her, how did she feel? We can not imagine.
Christmas morning laughter, a new doll in the arms of the three-year-old. The babe with a little rattle in her chest, growing worse in the night and then panic and that long trip to the hospital only to leave hours later empty handed? How did that feel? Walking back into the apartment and hugging the three-year-old to their chests? How completely overwhelmed they must have been. Was there screaming? Most likely not. They were not the screaming type. Was God admonished? Most likely, but quietly, most certainly. The mother said later, when the three-year-old was grown, that she had been shocked out of her morose demeanor after a lucid dream about losing her husband. She awoke from that vivid nightmare drenched in sweat and praising God for his mercy. And she began to smile again, for the first time in months.
Sad-faced people crawl away from the rest of us because we are too loud, too cheerful, too innocently happy, and complaining about things that do not matter. When you see a sad-faced person, stop your smiling and move on. They don't want your sympathy or your help. They are content to stay sad, some for a lifetime.
On the lips of the sad-faced woman when she herself was dying, were words of "just hoping to live long enough" to see her youngest daughter "settled." Which meant married and not so much "on the loose." Also, I am told, when her husband died ten years later, he mentioned the same daughter, wishing he could have seen his only granddaughter before he died. But he was too far away, of his own choosing, and it was much too late by then. He was dying when he left, and he chose to go to be with his siblings.
There was a bond between those six siblings that none of the rest of us could ever dream of duplicating, so in the end, he chose to die near them rather than near us.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Racism June 17, 2015 church killing of 9 black people by a white boy of 21
More than one-ism is alive and well and will be for some time to come. Will any of it ever end? It is doubtful in my mind.
Age-ism; Sex-ism; Race-ism; Ethnic-ism;
Geograph-ism. More I am sure.
Geograph-ism. More I am sure.
If we could get rid of our competitive-ism, it might help. Our “better than thou,” attitude.
Somehow, we have to humble ourselves long enough to see that we all hurt and we all feel, we all love and we all hate. No one is perfect….not one of us….no not one.
God help us, as we go forward.
one bathroom
We learn to adjust to any and all material things, and as long as we can keep our eyes on the blessings in life, those adjustments don’t hurt one bit.
I raised 3 boys in a house with one bathroom. They shared one bedroom also. We also had one television. We refused to buy them bedroom televisions (even when we could afford to do so) because we wanted the family to view the same programs together.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
The Message December 2015 & January 2016
There are no more children. Our little ones. Everyone is a grown-up now.
Not exactly true. The children are simply adults. We do have a 2-year-old great-granddaughter in Middletown Ohio. Jocelyn Rae. She asked to go see Santa this year. The past two years, she didn't care for the old man in the white beard. It takes a while.
There is also, no snow this winter. No white Christmas this year.
We have had a couple of light dustings, and the latest one, the other day stayed around. And, since we had our tree up and some other Christmas decorations, we felt fine.
The lichen on the sides of the trees glows brightly on these rainy overcast days.
Rainy and overcast are what we have....hardly any sunshine until late afternoon. Temperatures in the 40s.....Good for people who do not like snow, but not so good for people like me who look forward to winter and all the glorious snow it usually brings.
Grammarly corrects my word usage. So I change bright to brightly. And "rainy and overcast" to "are" instead of "is.
We are healthy, all of us. Thank God for that.
***
Now we have our snow. January 4, 2016, everything everywhere covered and still, it falls. Big lacy flakes sometimes floating on a breeze, and little pebble flakes sprinkling down like Kosher salt. Then the wind blows in and the snow switches back to lace. I am happy about it, as are most people. I took Scout out for a walk this morning since he and I didn't see each other over the Holidays. He is the sweetest companion. I walk so much slower than he wants me to, but he doesn't rush ahead. Instead, this precious mutt slows his pace to match mine and watches my face, when a car drives by. The sun shines softly between the trees and lights up the witchy looking icicles on the eaves. Winter is here. 17 degrees for a high today.
January 5 and a little bit warmer.....19, I think. Scout and I took another walk this morning. I don't recognize myself these days. My walking is so slow and labored. What on earth will it be when I am 90? If I am ever going to be 90.
Today we are waiting on word about a college-aged granddaughter's surgery on her knee. Nicolette plays soccer and injured it badly once before. It is nearly 5 pm and we haven't heard a word yet. She went into surgery at 10 am. I suspect things are not going well.
January 10.....actually things are going well for Nicolette. She is in pain but handling it well. Dad and Mom at her beck and call. She goes back to college in another week and should be able to handle herself (with the help of friends) adequately.
No more worries about winter not showing up this year. It is here! Winter storm warning in effect from Saturday evening til Sunday evening. It is beautiful here in the woods, and we have a young buck who shows up every now and then on the ridge outback. We enjoy watching the animals and birds on a daily basis. Cardinals especially show up against all that white. **************
It is March 14 now and we've had so many warm days and warm rains that nearly all of our snow is gone. Early Spring for us this year. Seemed like such a short winter to me. I was hoping for more snow, but I guess most were not.
We have Matt over every Sunday now that he lives here. He honestly adores teaching...hates the weekends because he cannot teach! He will look forward to those two days off once he has his own family, I think. But for now, he really wishes he could just continue teaching all weekend long.
We got such a kick out of watching JoJo in a video Chris posted on Facebook. She is climbing a gentle rock wall and doing it well and talking the whole time. "This is what little girls do," she says.....So sweet to hear her voice. They will be here for the 16th of July Family Gathering as will all the others. It's on my mind already....what to fix...how many can I seat; sleep etc.
Not exactly true. The children are simply adults. We do have a 2-year-old great-granddaughter in Middletown Ohio. Jocelyn Rae. She asked to go see Santa this year. The past two years, she didn't care for the old man in the white beard. It takes a while.
There is also, no snow this winter. No white Christmas this year.
We have had a couple of light dustings, and the latest one, the other day stayed around. And, since we had our tree up and some other Christmas decorations, we felt fine.
The lichen on the sides of the trees glows brightly on these rainy overcast days.
Rainy and overcast are what we have....hardly any sunshine until late afternoon. Temperatures in the 40s.....Good for people who do not like snow, but not so good for people like me who look forward to winter and all the glorious snow it usually brings.
Grammarly corrects my word usage. So I change bright to brightly. And "rainy and overcast" to "are" instead of "is.
We are healthy, all of us. Thank God for that.
***
Now we have our snow. January 4, 2016, everything everywhere covered and still, it falls. Big lacy flakes sometimes floating on a breeze, and little pebble flakes sprinkling down like Kosher salt. Then the wind blows in and the snow switches back to lace. I am happy about it, as are most people. I took Scout out for a walk this morning since he and I didn't see each other over the Holidays. He is the sweetest companion. I walk so much slower than he wants me to, but he doesn't rush ahead. Instead, this precious mutt slows his pace to match mine and watches my face, when a car drives by. The sun shines softly between the trees and lights up the witchy looking icicles on the eaves. Winter is here. 17 degrees for a high today.
January 5 and a little bit warmer.....19, I think. Scout and I took another walk this morning. I don't recognize myself these days. My walking is so slow and labored. What on earth will it be when I am 90? If I am ever going to be 90.
Today we are waiting on word about a college-aged granddaughter's surgery on her knee. Nicolette plays soccer and injured it badly once before. It is nearly 5 pm and we haven't heard a word yet. She went into surgery at 10 am. I suspect things are not going well.
January 10.....actually things are going well for Nicolette. She is in pain but handling it well. Dad and Mom at her beck and call. She goes back to college in another week and should be able to handle herself (with the help of friends) adequately.
No more worries about winter not showing up this year. It is here! Winter storm warning in effect from Saturday evening til Sunday evening. It is beautiful here in the woods, and we have a young buck who shows up every now and then on the ridge outback. We enjoy watching the animals and birds on a daily basis. Cardinals especially show up against all that white. **************
It is March 14 now and we've had so many warm days and warm rains that nearly all of our snow is gone. Early Spring for us this year. Seemed like such a short winter to me. I was hoping for more snow, but I guess most were not.
We have Matt over every Sunday now that he lives here. He honestly adores teaching...hates the weekends because he cannot teach! He will look forward to those two days off once he has his own family, I think. But for now, he really wishes he could just continue teaching all weekend long.
We got such a kick out of watching JoJo in a video Chris posted on Facebook. She is climbing a gentle rock wall and doing it well and talking the whole time. "This is what little girls do," she says.....So sweet to hear her voice. They will be here for the 16th of July Family Gathering as will all the others. It's on my mind already....what to fix...how many can I seat; sleep etc.
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