When we found out that leaving my damaged heart valve alone will cause me to have an early death. One Year. Maybe two. I asked my husband of 60 + years what his feelings were about me deciding not to pursue surgery. He said he'd need to make a list of what all has to be done to keep the condo running like who to call if the dishwasher goes out. Two days later he took $5,000 out of two different accounts and went to the bank and bought a CD. Good investment, he says, because it will pay 1.6 % in interest. More than the last two he bought for $10,000 and $38,000. a couple of months ago. He does love saving money.
I have no reason to stay on this earth and cope with a heartfelt response like that for another 10 years or less. I have no desire to continue living by the clock like he does and around some distant sport's schedule. I feel confident in what I have done while living on this earth for 79 years. Sixty of them married to that type of thinker. No thanks. I may just take the easy way out from under the responsibility that lays in wait for me.
As of today, 5pm January 9, 2018, I do not want to go through any surgery of any kind. My life will not be better for having the surgery and recovery time will be long and uncomfortable. He is being nice and even encouraging me to take that route. Bringing home compliments from his visitor center friends. Does he look forward to my death?
Tonight I am researching Palliative care and how it works. I see Dr. Lamie tomorrow and will ask him about it. (he said he has never had a patient as healthy as I am refusing to have the valve replaced.)
When I go over it in my head, I love the family I am leaving when I do go. They are all on their own, even the grandchildren/ Good Good people all 15 of them.
I feel great about the others I will be leaving as well. We have had fun relationships; serious conversations; emotional sharing. I was (for some reason) blessed with an ability to love God; The Great I Am; The Universe and Nature. I have led a life of appreciation and for most of my 79 years been so happy. Joyful even.
My parents, without even trying, installed a sense of confidence in me. They taught by the way they lived that one can adapt to any new situation. The transition from bodily death to spiritual life does not cause fear to arise within me. I thank my Mother and Father for the way they raised me.
Dr. Lamie and I had a good laugh yesterday(1/10/18) when he asked me what Dale said when I shared the facts with him...
" Men...are so dumb..." he laughed.
"He was thinking only of himself...that's what men do...me included."
1/28/18 *** I mentioned in another piece which has yet to be posted that with the help of Jesus my mind was made up to having the surgery so that I will be healthy enough for others as they need me in the near future. But, Lord Help Me...I do dread my future 10 years or so. I rather enjoy sitting around and being waited on for a change. When this old heart is patched up and rearing to go on another adventure, it will be me doing all the fetching and stepping, jeuning around fixing food, doing laundry, driving everywhere. I'd much rather be resting. In the arms of Jesus.
Monday, January 29, 2018
Monday, January 8, 2018
Thoughts on Heart surgery
I said, "No" when the doctor suggested that the valve be repaired... by surgery.
I cannot imagine cutting and patching up my physical body? "No..." I repeated. I'm too old for that. People who are vainer than I do it all the time. They shorten their noses; plump their lips; shrink their bellies. I cannot imagine being so unhappy with myself that I would allow that to happen to me.
I have a heart murmur which I've had since birth. Didn't know it until I gave birth to my first child. Many people have them they said, and they don't cause any problems. I was 19.
Today my doctor says my valve is shrinking due to age, (79) and that it should be fixed. It is probably the biggest reason for my shortness of breath these days.
Now, I like this body of mine. I believe in doing all I can to help it live a long long life. Short of surgery. At my age. It has served me well, this body. I've felt cute in it all my life. But it is not my favorite part of myself. This body is not youthful anymore and to start invading it with scaple and string and iron on patches here and there seems sacrilegious to me.
My best self is spiritual. I live and grow in spirit on a daily basis. To cut the cord from my relationship with the Great Mystery of God aka The Universe; Life; Love; Agape etc...would be the worst thing that could happen to me. It would be Hell.
Doctors, by their very nature, are healers of physical mishaps. They are trained to concentrate on the material side of things. And... they make their decisions according to numbers on charts. Very impersonal. They, like carpenters, advise surgery to repair things. If surgery can make an old body last another ten years they think they have succeeded. I do not.
A spirit in an old body is losing a friend almost every day. And has usually lost and maybe forgotten a spouses' name. The children and grandchildren are making their own way in the world and do not have the time or even want to visit them often. They can't dance anymore or see well enough to drive at night. Their favorite foods now turn on them in a variety of ways, and what little they do eat makes them uncomfortably full. The television announcers mumble too much and the game shows are too wild. The stories they enjoyed just yesterday now seem childish and tacky. Too many new words are included in everyday conversation. They don't understand most conversations, even when they try.
Doctors have a strong need to fix visible mishaps. They skip right over the most important part of a human being. The soul or essence of that being. The part that is invisible to the material/physical world.
How does one discuss this with them?
I have a choice, a right... to continue living out my physical body's lifespan just as it is today, growing weaker and weaker until it dies. I know I do have a choice, but how will the doctors who want to fix me like my attitude? They'll be offended most likely. They'll see my attitude as a challenge, and that ancient mental illness called "competitive spirit" will raise its ugly head. I'm expecting a fight.
They see the physical, but I am not only physical. I am mostly and greatly spiritual. I am simply using this physical body for a limited amount of time. My spiritual essence, the one that converses with God each day, the one that has influenced my family and acquaintances for many years will not die. It is pure energy, it cannot die, and if it needs a rest... then fine...it does not need this cute little physical body to do it in.
So I'm scheduled for a consultation with a cardiologist on December 28, 2017.
Dr. Andrew Teklinski convinced me that the heart valve needed some immediate attention. It is only open as wide as a fingernail and the opening should be the size of a quarter. So, Jan 2, 2018, 6:30 am Dr. Fox will do a cath examination. They will drop a light down (my throat?) and take a look.*(actually they went up through my right arm.)* Then on Jan 30, I will meet with Dr. Teklinski for a talk as to what type of surgery is needed. If I do nothing, the valve will continue closing and making life miserable for me. When it closes completely (about 2 years) I will die.
Quality of life will continue to diminish for me if I try to live with and adjust to this valve problem.
There is also a pain sometimes running up the side of my face and above my eye. The eyesight at that time is fractured like a kaleidoscope. Dr. Christopher Allen who was to do a root canal for me today, Dec 29, 2017. says it is not tooth related and that I should see my Doctor and Ophthalmologist about it....soon.
So, naturally, my thoughts are as to when to share all of these thoughts with my family. No need to scare anyone, so I will wait until after my talk with Dr. Teklinski on the 30th. **(wrote an email to them on Monday, Jan 9)* I really like this man. He feels like a compassionate and smart person to me. He will encourage me to get the surgery I am certain. If anyone can, he will be the one.
After Dr. James Fox did the catheterization on Jan 2, Dr. Andrew Teklinski came by to see me. I didn't think I'd see him until the 30th. He and Dr. Fox are sending me to Dr. Slocum on the 8th of Feb, Because my valves are so healthy and the new thinking is not to do the complete opening of the chest, I am leaning toward cooperating like a grown-up and getting the valve replaced.
This morning(1/9/18) I wrote to the family. They are the best people. That's my blessing for today. Just knowing what kind of people I have in my life right now. And they all are true blessings.
A few minutes ago Dr. Teklinski called me. It seems my heartbeat is much too slow for my health. If I let it go, I could have a fainting spell while driving. He is arranging to have a pacemaker put in. An inch near my shoulder blade something the size of two silver dollars stacked up. It will send wires to my heart to keep it running at a safe pace. This must be done before the valve can be replaced.
I am scheduled to see my doctor (Dr. Steven Lamie) this coming Wednesday at 1:45pm regarding the pain in my face. Jan. 10,2018
Good Morning Family: Today is Tuesday, Jan 9. No new news as yet. From anyone....even you!
Jan 10, I've been sitting on the front porch with my coffee and a blanket for the past couple of "warm" mornings. It is still cold enough for all the beauty to cling to the trees and hills, but warm enough for us. Dad to walk and me to watch.
My thinking today is: Have the pacemaker put in and be able to drive myself around etc and think about living with the faulty valve until the end and engaging the Pallative staff to aid me with any pain or discomfort.
We are both doing fine. Dad has been energized by this whole thing. He is anxious to help me, but not smothering me with too much care. That is nice.
********************************************************
Thursday, January 11....Good Morning everyone. Yesterday with Dr. Lamie went fine. "the cure for the facial pain is not worth it." the nerve has been damaged and is causing the pain. It will subside on its own. the name of the thing is: Trigeminal Neuritis. he told me to look it up. So, I will. (it is related to diabetic nerve pain) He also said I should see my eye doctor about the changes in my eyesight. So, I will.
My brother, Danny called me yesterday to talk about something else, and of course, we talked health situations. I wrote him the details because he doesn't have Email access. Judy wrote a note to the Willodean site, so I sent my answer to Dale and my 3 sons. see you here on the blog next time you read
3:45 pm 1/11/18.
My pacemaker will be installed on Feb. 7th. Details will follow when I get them.
****************************************************************************
Saturday, Jan. 13, 2018
Had my right eye checked yesterday. Dr. McManus at GTOC said the eye was fine. He named every part of the eye and it is all OK. He said the nerve is causing the action and pain. He's never heard of the vision being fractal like I described it: kaleidoscope so doesn't know what to think of that. He could see nothing wrong with the eye. I see Dr. Wentzloff May 11 for my diabetic eye check-up.
Beautiful snowy morning here. All the tree limbs are covered again. I just baked a fresh batch of cookies. Matt and Chelsie are coming over this afternoon.
########################################################
Trying to give you all permission to comment on my blogs....Steve ran into a sentence saying all comments need blog author's approval....so I am searching.
July 29, 2019
Another Christmas in July for our family just ended. Again, the fun part for me is seeing everyone chatting away and laughing with each other. I am happy they all love getting together. Jocelyn, our great-granddaughter is 6 this year, so she was full of life and very talkative. So interesting to watch how their minds work. The last ones left this morning and the house seems unnaturally quiet. The two of us started putting the house back in order. We like our quiet, organized little life.
I cannot imagine cutting and patching up my physical body? "No..." I repeated. I'm too old for that. People who are vainer than I do it all the time. They shorten their noses; plump their lips; shrink their bellies. I cannot imagine being so unhappy with myself that I would allow that to happen to me.
I have a heart murmur which I've had since birth. Didn't know it until I gave birth to my first child. Many people have them they said, and they don't cause any problems. I was 19.
Today my doctor says my valve is shrinking due to age, (79) and that it should be fixed. It is probably the biggest reason for my shortness of breath these days.
Now, I like this body of mine. I believe in doing all I can to help it live a long long life. Short of surgery. At my age. It has served me well, this body. I've felt cute in it all my life. But it is not my favorite part of myself. This body is not youthful anymore and to start invading it with scaple and string and iron on patches here and there seems sacrilegious to me.
My best self is spiritual. I live and grow in spirit on a daily basis. To cut the cord from my relationship with the Great Mystery of God aka The Universe; Life; Love; Agape etc...would be the worst thing that could happen to me. It would be Hell.
Doctors, by their very nature, are healers of physical mishaps. They are trained to concentrate on the material side of things. And... they make their decisions according to numbers on charts. Very impersonal. They, like carpenters, advise surgery to repair things. If surgery can make an old body last another ten years they think they have succeeded. I do not.
A spirit in an old body is losing a friend almost every day. And has usually lost and maybe forgotten a spouses' name. The children and grandchildren are making their own way in the world and do not have the time or even want to visit them often. They can't dance anymore or see well enough to drive at night. Their favorite foods now turn on them in a variety of ways, and what little they do eat makes them uncomfortably full. The television announcers mumble too much and the game shows are too wild. The stories they enjoyed just yesterday now seem childish and tacky. Too many new words are included in everyday conversation. They don't understand most conversations, even when they try.
Doctors have a strong need to fix visible mishaps. They skip right over the most important part of a human being. The soul or essence of that being. The part that is invisible to the material/physical world.
How does one discuss this with them?
I have a choice, a right... to continue living out my physical body's lifespan just as it is today, growing weaker and weaker until it dies. I know I do have a choice, but how will the doctors who want to fix me like my attitude? They'll be offended most likely. They'll see my attitude as a challenge, and that ancient mental illness called "competitive spirit" will raise its ugly head. I'm expecting a fight.
They see the physical, but I am not only physical. I am mostly and greatly spiritual. I am simply using this physical body for a limited amount of time. My spiritual essence, the one that converses with God each day, the one that has influenced my family and acquaintances for many years will not die. It is pure energy, it cannot die, and if it needs a rest... then fine...it does not need this cute little physical body to do it in.
So I'm scheduled for a consultation with a cardiologist on December 28, 2017.
Dr. Andrew Teklinski convinced me that the heart valve needed some immediate attention. It is only open as wide as a fingernail and the opening should be the size of a quarter. So, Jan 2, 2018, 6:30 am Dr. Fox will do a cath examination. They will drop a light down (my throat?) and take a look.*(actually they went up through my right arm.)* Then on Jan 30, I will meet with Dr. Teklinski for a talk as to what type of surgery is needed. If I do nothing, the valve will continue closing and making life miserable for me. When it closes completely (about 2 years) I will die.
Quality of life will continue to diminish for me if I try to live with and adjust to this valve problem.
There is also a pain sometimes running up the side of my face and above my eye. The eyesight at that time is fractured like a kaleidoscope. Dr. Christopher Allen who was to do a root canal for me today, Dec 29, 2017. says it is not tooth related and that I should see my Doctor and Ophthalmologist about it....soon.
So, naturally, my thoughts are as to when to share all of these thoughts with my family. No need to scare anyone, so I will wait until after my talk with Dr. Teklinski on the 30th. **(wrote an email to them on Monday, Jan 9)* I really like this man. He feels like a compassionate and smart person to me. He will encourage me to get the surgery I am certain. If anyone can, he will be the one.
After Dr. James Fox did the catheterization on Jan 2, Dr. Andrew Teklinski came by to see me. I didn't think I'd see him until the 30th. He and Dr. Fox are sending me to Dr. Slocum on the 8th of Feb, Because my valves are so healthy and the new thinking is not to do the complete opening of the chest, I am leaning toward cooperating like a grown-up and getting the valve replaced.
This morning(1/9/18) I wrote to the family. They are the best people. That's my blessing for today. Just knowing what kind of people I have in my life right now. And they all are true blessings.
A few minutes ago Dr. Teklinski called me. It seems my heartbeat is much too slow for my health. If I let it go, I could have a fainting spell while driving. He is arranging to have a pacemaker put in. An inch near my shoulder blade something the size of two silver dollars stacked up. It will send wires to my heart to keep it running at a safe pace. This must be done before the valve can be replaced.
I am scheduled to see my doctor (Dr. Steven Lamie) this coming Wednesday at 1:45pm regarding the pain in my face. Jan. 10,2018
Good Morning Family: Today is Tuesday, Jan 9. No new news as yet. From anyone....even you!
Jan 10, I've been sitting on the front porch with my coffee and a blanket for the past couple of "warm" mornings. It is still cold enough for all the beauty to cling to the trees and hills, but warm enough for us. Dad to walk and me to watch.
My thinking today is: Have the pacemaker put in and be able to drive myself around etc and think about living with the faulty valve until the end and engaging the Pallative staff to aid me with any pain or discomfort.
We are both doing fine. Dad has been energized by this whole thing. He is anxious to help me, but not smothering me with too much care. That is nice.
********************************************************
Thursday, January 11....Good Morning everyone. Yesterday with Dr. Lamie went fine. "the cure for the facial pain is not worth it." the nerve has been damaged and is causing the pain. It will subside on its own. the name of the thing is: Trigeminal Neuritis. he told me to look it up. So, I will. (it is related to diabetic nerve pain) He also said I should see my eye doctor about the changes in my eyesight. So, I will.
My brother, Danny called me yesterday to talk about something else, and of course, we talked health situations. I wrote him the details because he doesn't have Email access. Judy wrote a note to the Willodean site, so I sent my answer to Dale and my 3 sons. see you here on the blog next time you read
3:45 pm 1/11/18.
My pacemaker will be installed on Feb. 7th. Details will follow when I get them.
****************************************************************************
Saturday, Jan. 13, 2018
Had my right eye checked yesterday. Dr. McManus at GTOC said the eye was fine. He named every part of the eye and it is all OK. He said the nerve is causing the action and pain. He's never heard of the vision being fractal like I described it: kaleidoscope so doesn't know what to think of that. He could see nothing wrong with the eye. I see Dr. Wentzloff May 11 for my diabetic eye check-up.
Beautiful snowy morning here. All the tree limbs are covered again. I just baked a fresh batch of cookies. Matt and Chelsie are coming over this afternoon.
########################################################
Trying to give you all permission to comment on my blogs....Steve ran into a sentence saying all comments need blog author's approval....so I am searching.
July 29, 2019
Another Christmas in July for our family just ended. Again, the fun part for me is seeing everyone chatting away and laughing with each other. I am happy they all love getting together. Jocelyn, our great-granddaughter is 6 this year, so she was full of life and very talkative. So interesting to watch how their minds work. The last ones left this morning and the house seems unnaturally quiet. The two of us started putting the house back in order. We like our quiet, organized little life.
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