AginFin for (nancy) [James] Joyce

knees on the pillow on the cold hard floor
        head bent in prayer,

___sometimes she seems so far gone
___how long for her, how many years?
___ I'm not sure, she was here when I got here.
___and her brother is here also?


Breeze scattering leaves.
desires come...
Unbidden.
Pay attention.
hold back.
no no no this is not right. close your eyes....pray it away

__she has the prettiest complexion
___don't she though?
___ever body always says that....

no stress;
treeless;
treeless landscape...
land     scrape;
scraped knees;   bitten fingernails;   tangled hair;
eyes closed faking sleep;
kiteless sleep;   nightless sleep,

still in the moment....stillness speaks


___ dinner?

___ it's ready.   y'all go wash them hands and comb yer heads.

___take your seats now, hurry up

__  I don't know. I don't think I can eat
___you can eat when you feel like it, there's no hurry

__ There's still bread. in the oven

get it outa there

dust the color of caramel, thick as talcum powder

___through a glass.  Dimly.
___ pour the tea and slice the lemon
__  Darkly I think it says
__  you don't know your Bible
__  dimly? darkly?
___Y'all make too much of it, no wonder  you cain't understand it
__  you know your Bible? do you?

___Quieten down now, somebody ask the blessing
___Dude?

Grady commencing to grin
___saw Dewey talkin' to Ethel Brock in town.
didn't I Dewey?

winks at Mammy
___She had on her high heel shoes.  Red ones,
 didn't she Dewey?

Mammy's hard glance

Billy Joe's sheepish look__  comin' up a storm y'all

Lonnie shakes his head__ naw ain't hot 'nuff

Clayton reaching for a biscuit
__ comin' up a cloud though  sure 'nuff comin' up a cloud


Woeboy keeps saying he'll take off his belt  Woeboy's always spouting.
Woeboy thrives on fear;
fear of yesterday's predictions;
yesterday's promise;
fear of now

thought he knew ever thang there was to know... didn't know nothin'

                               Didn't nobody know...     even god

 J.T. inthenightearlyand mornings      not important
 somethings  didn't nobody know 'cause
                                  Neely always was a quiet child


Mammy at breakfast
__ Dude'll cut the heart out of the ham for Darley

 he'd durn near cut his own heart out for her
 she being the broken sad-faced one

seemed Mammy was envious of them sometimes
 their closeness


Second-floor rooming house    two rooms
___Mama, do you really have to do that to have a baby?
 her back turned, belly filled with child
 head nodding yes,  as if shamed

 the well shed empty now  
what happened to the towsacks?
___last I saw JT took 'em to the pond with him


DJ eyes shining
 Duada?
you say this part
___ You got Prince Albert in a can?
okay?
___then I'll tell say ___better turn him loose

Neely squealing
___hurry up hang up the phone
 party line
they'll know our voices


boney bodies  they was ...inside that sack
squirming baby kittens  all different colors
___i was gonna give 'em pretty names...

__ Sweep the dirt yard,
 I'm not gonna tell you. again

___Yes M'am

Woeboy's voice hollering
___Concord  itus Concord

Lonnie asking
___whir y'all lived when Darley kilt that chicken snake?

Woeboy's voice shouting
__ Stop sittin' like that... Keep yer knees together.

how come he lets it happen?
       if he knows ever thang, how come?
                           
                                     he ain't god, that's how come


___Jesus said I will be with you always, even 'til the ends of the earth

Bea's  opening the oven bringing up the Bible  again

Eunice getting hot
___was you there when He said it?

___it is written thataway...but he wasn't meaning in the flesh,
Holy Ghost way in the spirit he was sayin'

___heathen talk.
___I take Him at his word.
His word's good enough for most of us

Loyce, sounding sweet
___you don't know your Bible neither,

Woeboy's eyes are searching the room looking for a place at the table
a place that won't offend nobody


Neely looking squinty-eyed out the back screendoor

__ The Hoers are comin'.


__You say that again and I'll tan your hide.
 Woeboy's face is full of red
 ain't no daughter of his gonna talk thataway

Dude nods a stern set of eyes at Woeboy
___Take a seat,

Neely, teary-eyed
___ whut?  say whut...
he'll take off his belt...but he won't do nothin' with it.


For her the very heart


 Marcella's daddy withoutsaying a word,
 old man Ozro, Cora Lee's husband


one room apartment
DJ in the middle being the smallest
Neely on the floor

Ozro what kind of a name is that?
 OzroBottom
deepdowninsideshame.
 Pray it away.

Spero's Grill
soup ten cents a bucket
    wait your turn
not enough for ever body

extra milk and crackers in class
theyankeekids snickering
___but why?
we wasn't hungry

___ don't bother to cry. missy! He cain't hear.
__ Shut up!
 you no 'count
 __If He's God, He can.
__but Sugar  He won't listen
not to you

          in the well shed  pale dust flipped from  half-soled sandals.
the crunch of a gravel memory in her ear,
the crunch of gravel under the weight of the two buckets of water gripped by Sunshine and trudged a mile


___lord I wish it'd rain...
___come on  Neely  hep me ring this pullet's neck?
___ ma'am?  please ma'am no

___I've got the far going under the warsh kettle, you can hep  douse 'er  come on now.  hold the chicken's head tight and press your thumb into her neck real hard, then start ringing her neck.   like this.
when she pops off, let her flop against that fence row so the blood don't splatter  all over creation.  when she stops floppin' then pick 'er up and hold her by the feet and douse 'er in that boiling water.
 ___Now then, I'll hold 'er up for you and you put them little ole hands of yours into them hot wet feathers and give a tug.  see?  it's easy as can be.
                         ___here let me show you again
___now lets take 'em to the back porch and start cutting.

___take the gizzard like this here and scrape all the gravel out, with the dull side of your knife.    toss it in the icecoldwater with the other pieces  Careful...sharp knife, don't touch it you're not big enough for that knife   grab the leg and thigh grasp it hard and cut along the top to split it
toss it in with the neck and breast.
don't ever cut that breast in two pieces til you've cut out that pulley bone.

Mammy winks at Neely
___I know somebody who'll  make a fuss if  there's no pulley bone
 for her and DJ to make a wish own

Neely watching closely, her nose barely resting on the table
 sniffing at the oilcloth,
___yes ma'am


 Breeze.     pretty name Breeze,     daughter of Wind.   Mother called Sunshine.

Neely longed for a name like that
 wouldn't no ugly stuff happen to a girl named Breeze...

Cora Lee turned her back and kept washing dishes
Ozro's finger moves  inside Neely's panties not important enough for her to notice not important enough for nobody to even mention

Mother called Sunshine.

the Ho'ers are comin' in from the field
 I'll tan your hide

___what else should I call 'em?
___Field Hands Honey, that's what they are
___they're not Ho'ers?
___that's not a very nice word Neely
___what's wrong with it?

___it's a nasty word.
___Ant Erlene said itus from the Bible.
___it means a woman who likes to play ugly
___doing what?
___you don't need to know that.

but, i...


holding Sunshine's hand tight,
dried  out grassy ground around the gravestones
scraping  itchy sandaled feet
 bees buzzing all around everwheres

__See that little ceee ment lamb?
__your baby sister Willow's buried under there.
__  git her outta there

there ain't no lights inside a grave,
          she cain't breathe in there
                                                       can she

thow her on the ashes like Mammy does the dead chicks

___if she cries cain't nobody hear her
                                                          can they

 Sunshine left, at that;
                        went behind a cloud
                                        Sunshine purely up and left
                                                                           drifted away
                                                                               carrying her sad face with her


Hollis smiling,
___cornbread looks, good Mama
 saw Ruby Coats in town.
___pass me them peas
 got herself a boyfriend.

Grady looking shocked,
___you don't say?  well I'll be dogged

Pappy changing the subject,
____ one good soaking rain and we'll have us a real good crop of butter beans

                             Okra stewed.  gravy fixed. tomatoes sliced

 oilcloth wiped clean; slick and shining covered all over in blue diamond shapes

The way it always was:
         family's glasses, plates, knives, forks, spoons washed  first
                     in the fresh hot sudsy water
            then you could put the colored's plates and silverware in for soaking

 (don't ever mix the colored's and the white's dishes or clothes neither. It jest ain't right, never was and never will be.  I ain't got nothin' against 'em.  It jest ain't right that's all.  I mean would you buy a car or a pair of shoes a colored person had owned?  Would you?  Just think about it, you know you would not.)

          cold greasy dirty dishpan water emptied into the slop bucket for the hogs
                     

                           tomatoes and onions stewed with the okrey
           crowders Kentucky wonders  fatback tucked into the greens

Mammy's voice
___Neely?
___come carry the colored's plates,  outback to their table did you sweep that dirt yard like I told you?

Darley didn't even stop to fumigate that shack where you was borned, did you know that?   and coloreds had lived in it for over a year, but Darley didn't care nothin' 'bout that.  She was so anxious for her own home

             wet your fingers with some spit, then  pinch a page of the Bible and turn it                                                            to read the verse

Why'd they do that?   make the Bible pages the same soft tissue paper as the ones inside the searsroebuckcatalogue we use for toilet paper?   why on earth would they make the Bible pages thataway?
flimsy see-through tissue paper pages barely able to hold onto the Word of God.

Mammy's voice irritated,

__put them peas down Grady,
bow your heads and somebody
ask the blessing

                          ___Thank you Father (Buddy's voice rising) for these vittles we are about to receive and use them for the nourishment of our bodies.___A man. Aaa man.  and amen

and the misery stays alive in your mind


__here honey
__thow this baby chicken in the farplace
__no no no ha
__it's dead. honey.  thow it away
 'fore the flies take over

Mammy's satisfiedvoice
___now
 here's the pulley bone

___ Neely?  here Honey,
don't you wont it?
Wont me to give it to DJ?


I want Willow babe outta there

___Amen; Amun;
__  did he really die of snakebite?
___hand me the biscuits Lonny.
__ sure 'nuff did.  Fell down on him from atop the door jamb.

__ Mr. Stubblefield went to Coats' schoolhouse, like ever body else.
__snakes don't care who they bite

___I know, but it jest don't seem right...it being him who got bit like that.  lookit the times he's fought 'em off his land and then him safe and sound in his own home...don't seem right
___Pass me them greens

___reckon itus a punishment from God,  like so many thangs is
__   bit him on the far'ed...dead  afore he hit the groun'
___God wouldn't do that to him
Mr. Stubblefield  never harmed a soul in his life!
___You cain't always tell what's in a man's heart

thow 'em on the ashes  all the dead baby chicks...

__heard Joe Wren's comin' to git some tools this evenin'

J.T.'s fork spearing hard at the fried chicken platter makes a clinking sound___was this a Banty?

___drivin' that sputtering T. of his
britches in a crease puttin' on the dog, if you ast me
___ don't nobody put a crease in overhauls

___ reckon you do.... if you're courtin'

__ reckon what kinda snake?  copperhead maybe.
__ ugly as homemade sin. that boy
__ Ruby likes him
__ but that don't make him no prettier
__ got them beady little eyes...hehe  gives Neely the shivers  don't he Neely?
J.T. winks at Neely

Mammy answering J.T. and pushing in Billy Joe's chair for him
__no sir... it wassent no Banty  itus two pullets
___Neely hepped me scald it.
she scorched the pin feathers didn'tchew honey?

Neely looks up nods
looks down again


seemedlikeaweeklater shopping for a wedding dress on the streets of Detroit choosing curtains towels bedspreads
brick it was with marble windasills
talk 'bout "puttin' on the dog"
all new with plastered walls and hardwood floors
not an oilcloth in sight


___ been awful hot here lately


in the dream atop the roofed porch; floating off into the dark night filled with cool air;
      by the window where J.T. sleeps;
              where the black racer was;
                        where the hams are kept

__black or blue, racers never hurt nobody

jumping off and flying.
over and over and over
          silent and smoothe  and free
                   smothering...
                                         soaring
                                               smoothe and free

                              soaring around in the dark silent night stars;
                                       smoothing waves of air to fix a path
                                                       smothering the words through tears
                                                       smothering chickens; kittens; and me?


   ___ no no no not meee!

___Neely! why'er you yellin'?

was that me?

eyes shut; pretending.  closed off from the world
fingers smoothing delicate wrinkled skin
folds opened,
passions rising
opened eager


and willow burns and her smoke strangles ever one of us
                           'til we cain't breathe right;
                                                       cain't think straight;
                                                            cain't do nothin' to help...

___they say if a baby dies before it is baptized....

___shut up

opined
          openedwounds
                  and the puppy.
                        not  important; not important; not important!

flying from the roof of the porch into the cool dark knight- airie wind
                         and Wind was strong and Sun was warm

__stop that.  put your legs together.  sit up straight.  I'll take my belt off to you....

__I didn't do nothin' daddy....I didn't....
__playing ugly
__ jest playin'  ...please dadaddee


Mosquitos big as frogs buzzing in your ear

Softly And Tenderly Jesus is calling...
calling for you and.... for me

Jesus knows.
 what ugly is; who ugly is; why ugly is
myugliness....

He knows what's drawing shame to me,
out of me,
He knows why shame is on me
            like flies on a dead chick
Jesus knows it all, but He don't do nothin' about it.

Don't nobody do nothin' about  it
                                               


___it was called The Projects,
 it wasn't no address number
 I remember they had cement floors
 and little rubber things out back in the trash.
things that daddies use to pee inside of mommies.


___ever body's got to be saved.
 go on...go on up there....Lord is waiting on you...
                       He knows ever hair on yore head

  God?  waiting on me?
           waiting up there for me?


___Oakridge
___you talk about hot...Lord a Mercy
so hot Woeboy's glasses melted right off his face.
worked in some mighty tight places

___pass me that bowl a corn, Sugar.

the only  thing that could help Darley would be to have another baby.
                                 another Willow babe.

             but it didn't help nothin' she cried ever night,
                          cried into her pillow. over something.

__who fried this corn ?
___Darley did, ain't it good?
___fried the okree too
__  cain't nobody hold a candle to 'er



Sunshine wearing her sad face:
 if he'd jest once ast me if i wanted a hamburger...

a rose picked from the yard... Little Darlin'  given to her on her death bed  the scent of it dying with her
                                          Just once; that's all
                                       and Sunshine was no more


      Neely's   kneeling knees shifting on the pillows on the cold hard floor
                                                     head bowed.
                 bowed and hanging low....but no tears...on wrinkled cheeks
                                  old tears dried out  and gone  old fears fading too

Pappy Dude's voice....soft in her ear..__sweet chaarriott...commin' fore to carry me home...barely a whisper    Pappy's on the white porch swing carved by Woeboy
before his  glasses melted.



Thirty-year-old Leon Cantrell wanted a date.  Neely's hair pulled back in a pony tail, blue ribbon twisting in the wind
__ Don't you ever tell yor daddy that.
he'll beat the tar outta him.
              and you barely thirteen

Neely snickers covers her mouth.
___I know,
 one eye and rotten teeth

___not that.  Bea talkin'   disgust in her voice
___dumbpoorwhitetrash

Loyce, below her breath,
___no 'count Cantrells
Leon cain't even make change fer a dollar
Woeboy sees to that, teaching him wrong
and mixing up his head like he does



pack the car....drive while it's cool....all night long.  six hundred miles
      sleep on top of the boxes with the ceiling an inch away from your                                                                 face...sweating on top of the quilts...
                                                           pull over...i'm sick again...

__she threw  up all the way there;  says it makes her sick
 just thinkin' 'bout them trips;

kept him happy though singing in the night air
            strong Wind back then feeling the thrill of new places
                                  Sunshine just barely hanging on
                                                             Breeze unable to breathe atall



Bloody sheets one after another, some with clots and some as if a river had overflowed...Sunshine crying and trying to help her daughter;
        I'm sorry Neely she says, bring me another one,
                           tell Woeboy I need a doctor,
                                   Woeboys not home?
go get somebody honey.... keep own stuffing dry sheets between my legs
                                                           her face draining
                                                                 paler and paler

Everything Quiet now,  Sunshine resting
 a neighbor knocks and Neely says....miscarriage....

___Don't say that word out loud!  I oughta whip you good for saying that....Woeboy's face is all torn up again.
                          and Neely's head is throbbing
 her own period comes the following week;
she screams for her mother;
grabs for a dry bath towel...



did he cut the heart out?  yes, he did, for her.

                                fried okra....and stewed potatoes.

                         the stewer bent on one side....just the same...

                        fried in sizzling hot lard in the old cast iron.
                                      was it Mammy's?

__all she had left after Dude died.
she tried fixin' teacakes in the warped muffin pan, that had been his mother's...seemed important

 __Where've you been?
Uncle D's trailer. stripped naked... poker cards at the ready.
the grown-ups are comin' hide. like Adam & Eve in the garden.
 put you on some clothes; ...no socks or shoes;
answer the door. DJ's in his underwear.
__git him in the closet__hurry up unlock the door

Depthford Place

shrimp boiled...piled high in the middle....Aunt Kath's white teeth...like the bowl of rice....pretty like her, me?  not me.   someday you will be...what a pretty complexion

we're  goin' swimmin'...no suit?  wear this one....bagging in the seat...no breast yet....never pretty like that__sure you will be Honey.

Prince Albert can emptied ...holding treasures  now....rocks shaped like animals;
pulley-bones gnawed clean, intact,  hidden away before they could be wished on and split in two

coldslickchicken shit.... between toes,
sweatypantiesclinging ....
puppy's little tongue lapping;

dig a hole and bury everything.
 in  the ditch where the tiger lilies grow
bury bury bury

night sky full of stars...lightening bugs.
keep your eyes closed....pretend..keep your mouth shut young lady....pull your skirt down  that don't look right....don't sit like that.


___did you set the table like I told you?
 Neely nods

__The Hoe'rs will be in from the field soon...

__carry them vittles to the table...
wait your turn.

___Did we fix enough tea?  git the jar of green onions.
 pepper vinegar for the greens

__hand me that clean tea towel
 menfolks eat at the first table

Neely looks up
___yessum i know

___I'd like to be a Hoer someday

did anybody ever bite into that wax fruit thinkin' itus real?

 __ what's she mumbling about?
__  she wants to be a whore.
__ No, she don't.
__ never ever say that in front of your daddy...don't you ever

__ Rooster.  Pullet. Hen.  now...what'd i say this was?
....Head bumper; eyewinker; tom tinker; nose dropper; mouth eater; chin chopper; gulley, gulley, gulley


living in town being quiet all the time racing DJ home from school at midday; upstairs at Miseres CBell's place.

___I beat Duada again!
 the  watery-thin smell of  boiling white beans;
not ready, but we ate the salty bacon grease soup anyway
with the  crunch of fresh cornbread.
wasn't nothin' else

___I  know where you keep your sugar....
under your chin;
behind your navel;
underneath your arms on your
 ribs....gully gully gully

hush little baby don't say a word, daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird if that mockingbird don't sing daddy's gonna buy you a diamond ring.....if that diamond ring is brass  daddy's gonna buy you a looking glass, if that looking glass gets broke, daddy's gonna buy you a billy goat, if that billy goat don't pull, daddy's gonna buy you cart and bull, if that cart and bull turn over, daddy's gonna buy you a dog named rover, if that dog named rover won't bark, daddy's gonna buy you a horse and cart, and if that horse and cart fall down, you'll still be the prettiest little baby in town.

bye baby bunting, daddy's gone a-hunting to fetch a little rabbit skin to put his baby bunting in....

rock abye baby in the treetop when the wind blows, the cradle will rock, when the bough breaks

__glasses melted right off his face.
 covering ships with asbestos.
no, not at OakRidge.
Summerville.
Depthford Place they called it.


a baby born in ever state, she said.

__Lord, you don't mean that, listen to yoursef.

ever one of 'em snickered and some laughed out loud

that shut 'er up.
shut that Darley's face right up.
made her brain freeze up tight
she'd just as soon die as go on living
them all snickering at her  like that


the cradle will fall,  and down will come baby...cradle and all

didn't say another word for days on end  weeks maybe
Sunshine went behind a big cloud then, she did

__she cain't breathe in there

it's dead. stiff as a board.  throw it away


__take the baby to the house;  first words.
 pig and biscuit.... more words....write 'em all down.

Miseres Cantrell did.
 one-eyed Leon's mama.

wait your turn. you'll get the pulley bone...
he'd cut the heart out of the ham for her...

coffee poured into  Pappy's saucer  then blown on; sipped.
 hard chunk of butter on the plate with sorghum poured over it.

For his daughter, he'd cut the heart out of his best ham.  feeling guilty in his own heart for not showing her enough love, enough attention; so she loved the orphan boy.  full of woe    sadness creeping scatteringseedsofwoe

Leon's mother. kilt her ownsef;  wrote out why in the edges of her bible, but cain't nobody read it.
__kilt hersef dead and nobody can figure why

Darley broke her daddy's heart.  ran off and got married and didn't tell nobody.
ran off with Woeboy on a cold winter's night

__cain't somebody eat the rest of them crowders?
__hand me the bowl;
y'all wanna cut a melon tonight?

fried corn, fried cabbage, fried chicken; fried ham
       sweet milk and cornbread late at night
                hot pepper vinegar sprinkled on a cold biscuit

__Ruby said she'd marry if he ast  her

__you cain't hoe, you'll chop more than cotton little as you are
__ could  i  jest try?
___ six years old is too young
___you're liable to chop off a foot
___PappyDude'll learn me

                        fared sweat...  dust from the road... muddy face

__take this jug a water to the field.
__watch where you're steppin' case he plows up a snake
__cottonmouths down by the pond where the snake doctors are
___and the baby kittens?

___stop laughin' at 'er she don't know no better

night as dark as pitch

use the slop jar.  it's raining
sooty hands from the lamp chimneys
don't touch that dipper with your hands
 icy cold water running down the front of her dress
'cause  she's  drinking like a baby chicken
___stop that

__Landsakes  she must be thirty if she's a day

___Earlene pass me that butter

__Twenty-five she told me
___woman that age ain't got much choice

___did y'all fix any gravy?

__ over there by Junior,  Junior, pass that gravy down here...

___reckon where would they live?

___I reckon over at his place ...  he's been fixin' things up since his mama passed

__anymore dark meat on that platter by you?
__there's a thigh

__put another spoonful of potatoes on my plate would you, please

__that's the last of the biscuits ya'll 'til mornin'


He never hit her or nothin'
___ didn't care that much.
__would you say he just wore her down?
___Yes, that's what it was. Broke her in early and then...
___ She had such little desires  and even they were never met.   I don't know why.  She was sweet enough to him.

__we only get out of life what we demand

___I reckon.

___But she wadden a demanding type.

___ She had to be her own sef

____Babies.  they knock the breath right out of you, especially them that dies .  Lordy Mercy, itus a hard row to hoe.

___ain't nothing sweet for y'all today but them strawberries


___that's alright Mama


___she always eat like that?

___you mean arms around her plate?
___yes
___she's keeping a portion of it for D.J.
___her brother that died?
___she has always watched out for D.J.
so just in case he's here and he's hungry, she holds back some food for him.


The nurses help MissNeely up from her seat

MissNeely's eyes  are still glazed over
she is listening...as the voices fade

 One nurse pats MissNeely's arm.
 The three of them shuffle out of the dining room and down the sleek tiled floor
  the whisper of cotton foot slippers the only sound.



___do i have the same name?

One nurse smiles then opens the door to room 7A
She guides Neely inside

___am i  am i ?....fading?

__ you will be alright now

MissNeely nods... and when she hears  the click of the doorlock  she places her